Wednesday, September 16, 2020

We're Getting New Furniture!

After 10 years of web-stalking, the Joybird Hughes Sofa is about to be mine. When we moved to Utah, we bought new living room furniture from Ashley; A red sofa and two grey recliners. Our living room has a bit of a Star Wars theme, so the pieces were perfect, and I absolutely loved the red sofa. But over the last 5 years, that furniture has been wrecked. All pieces are a faux leather material that has just pealed away, leaving the furniture uncomfortable and looking awful.

With everything going on right now, we decided it was a good time to replace the pieces with new furniture. I knew immediately that now was the time to get that Hughes Sofa, but the chairs from Joybird are too expensive and Matt wanted an comfy recliner. So, we're replacing the recliners with new, upholstered recliners from Ashley. We're hoping the chairs will hold up better if they're not faux leather. They won't really match the mid-century modern sofa, but that's okay. 

Trying to figure out what to do with the old furniture, though, has been kind of a pain in the ass. We can take it to the curb and have the city haul it away, but it's expensive and has to be scheduled during certain times of the year. We can hire someone to come take it away, but that's also expensive and I'm uncomfortable with strangers being in my house more than is necessary. I have an anxiety thing about people coming into my house, even people I know, so it's been a challenge trying to decide what to do. I think I'm going to suck it up and hire some guys to come take it away. 

The contractor I got the quote from wanted to come and take it away this week. I had to tell him we still need this mess to sit on until our new furniture arrives somewhere between the second week and end of October. The ship date for our new sofa keeps changing, moving up and then back. It's made custom in a color called "Key Largo Ruby," so fluctuations are not unexpected. The chairs are coming from Ashley around the beginning of October. I simply cannot wait for it all to get here, especially since I've been wanting that sofa for so many years. Come to mama, Hughes Sofa! 

Saturday, September 12, 2020

Acceptance

I learned pretty early on that my father deals with grief through sweat. He suffers a loss and rather than wallowing or folding in on himself, he gets busy doing whatever home/work projects needs doing. He goes into high gear hustling the pain away. I never understood this. When I suffer a loss, I tend to go the other way. I climb into my bed, pull the covers over my head, and cry the pain away. As an aside, this doesn't actually work, it just represents an inability to emotionally handle it. Being manic depressive affects the way I'm able to process emotional pain, I'm self-aware enough to know this. 

When I lost my pup one awful Friday in August, I did exactly that. I folded up and sobbed. For a long time, I just shut down and gave in to it. Then, I pulled myself up, picked up all his toys, labeled the box, and put them in the garage. I can clearly see this was denial. I couldn't look at them. I cleaned up all the messes he had made, because he was a messy little guy. Then I went back to being completely disabled by grief. 

The next day, Saturday, I considered staying in bed. Instead, I got up and did the only thing I could think to mitigate the gaping hole in my heart. I cleaned the bedroom and the kitchen, I cleaned out closets, did all the laundry, and gathered up all the trash from every waste basket. I de-cluttered and my house looked better than it had in a very long time. I took my dad's approach to dealing with the pain and worked it off. And, strangely, it helped a little bit. I still cried myself to sleep, but I felt like I had managed it in the healthiest way I knew how and that brought me a little bit of comfort. Every day went like this, cleaning, working, or both.

Yesterday was a month since we lost Chewbi. I spent the morning acknowledging our loss, our house has been so much emptier without him. If I had to say where I am now, I'd say I've come around to acceptance. I know our sweet boy isn't coming back. Still, I sort of sense his presence, in a way, and while I know that sounds crazy I don't mean in a ghost dog sort of supernatural way. I'm starting to bearably remember the happy times we had together, the sweet things he would do, and occasionally I'll think I hear him or feel his presence.

The truth is, I don't know how best to process grief or if there's even one healthy way. What I do know is that this time I worked pretty hard to try to do something other than just let it crush me and that has to be healthier than sinking into the depression and letting it swallow me. That's not to say there weren't moments the depression kept me in bed and others when I couldn't swallow the tears. But, I pushed back and I feel okay about that. ♥

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Diamond Painting

I made a joke at the beginning of the quarantine that I was feeling self-conscious because, unlike everyone else, I hadn't taken up a new hobby during the lock-down. A few of my friends took up, or went back to, painting. Others took up gardening. I didn't really have anything new, unless you count diamond painting, but that's not a real hobby... right? Um, I'm an idiot.

As it turns out, it is absolutely a real hobby and I am completely hooked! No exaggeration here. I have become a diamond painting junkie almost over night. I bought a few kits from Paint Gems and reluctantly sat down to see if I had the patience to lift and stick thousands of tiny square "drills" down onto the sticky canvas. I thought I would hate it--or lose patience--and put it away. Yeah, no. Not only did that not happen, I actually completed both kits I'd ordered from Paint Gems and ordered a few more from other sources. I may have gone a little crazy... 

Then I realized I didn't have anywhere to actually do the diamond painting. I don't have a kitchen table (or even anywhere to put one) and the desk in my office isn't really enough space for me to both work and do a hobby. Soooo... I bought myself a drafting-style desk, the kind that has the tilt top. But, then I also needed a chair. Since I wanted to be able to do this hobby in the same space where Matt is, I found a little corner of my living room to set it up. Matt helped me put the table together and I put the chair together.


As I got started, I discovered I needed/wanted some things: storage boxes for the drills (little diamonds), a roller, a straightener, baggies to store the left over drills, more diamond painting kits, a desk light, light pad, did I mention more diamond painting kits, drill pens for actually doing the diamond painting because the ones in the kits are crap, scented wax for my pens, little scissors (I had those), washi tape, labels, large binder clips, a place to store the finished paintings that might someday be framed, a cover minder or two and, of course, mooorrrreeee diiiiaammmoonnndd pppaaaiiiinntttinngg kiiittttss!!!!

I even got crafy and made myself cover-minders rather than buying them online. Cover minders hold the cover back so it doesn't flop back onto the canvas and some of them are a little pricy. So, I got a few little flowers and buttons, some magnets, and glue and made my own. 

Starting this new hobby, I learned that I have no restraint. I kind of knew it, but this has really proven to be eye opening. As it turns out, when I pick up a new hobby that I actually enjoy, I kind of go all out. Like, I jump in with both feet and go a little crazy. Or, maybe, a lot crazy. Right about now, I have like 20 un-started kits with like 5 or 6 more on the way or pre-ordered. I'm a diamond paintingaholic and I'm actually completely fine with it. I've even taken up watching diamond painting youtubers. As strange as it sounds, there's actually a lot to know about diamond painting!

This particular hobby may be painful on my bank account, but is excellent for my mental well-being. I've discovered that it soothes my anxiety and has helped as I work through my grief over losing Chewi. It's been a really constructive way to deal with all the shit this year has been heaping on us. So, I'm completely happy to deal with the little bit of a dent it's making in my wallet. It's a fair trade for even a little bit of the peace of mind it's bringing me. Restraint be damned! ♥ 

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Brutal August...

Well, it's been a hell of a couple of weeks. August has turned out to be a level of awful that's surpassed this whole goddamn year of bad. Losing my pup, Chewbi, on August 14th was a level of pain I can't even describe. I miss him and every time I think I'm getting past it, I feel awful all over again. Do you think it's okay to say that I'm looking forward to the end of this burning dumpster-fire of a year?

We got Chewbi's ashes back yesterday and the vet also had paw prints made for us in plaster. It was such a lovely gesture, but seeing the little wooden urn really hit me. I knew he was gone, but taking him home that way was brutal. I have some more upbeat things to talk about soon, but I'm gonna have to put them off for a bit while I continue to try to recover. Maybe when September comes and I can put August behind me. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

RIP Chewbi

On Friday, August 14th at about 3:35pm, we lost our sweet Chewbi. He would have been 9 years old in November. The vet said that although his blood work for the Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia was worse, he believes our boy had a stroke. There was no struggle, he just laid down and closed his eyes. It happened so fast that we couldn't be with him.

He's gone over the rainbow bridge to be with Galileo and Chummer. We miss you, sweet boy. We love you. ♥