Hesitant, Hopeful

Here comes some of that cynicism I was talking about...

I've been married to a really great guy for the last 9 1/2 years.  We've been together a bit more than 10 years.  Two, or so years ago, he lost his wedding ring.  He lost it somewhere in the house, but we've still not come across it, in all this time -- although he lot his keys a month after we moved to Stephenville almost 6 years ago and I just, a few months ago, found them in the couch.  In addition to not finding it, we haven't replaced it, so he doesn't wear a wedding ring.

At first, this wasn't an issue for me.  He's a forgetful guy, he loses things.  He lost a lot of weight, his already small fingers slimmed down and his ring didn't fit.  So, for him to have lost it wasn't that big a deal.  Honestly, even until recently, it hasn't been that big a deal.  So what if he lost it?  A wedding ring does not a marriage make, after all.

Lately, though, due to my insecurity, I've been thinking maybe I should put more effort into looking for it.  Although, it still wouldn't fit him.  Then, last night, we were at Peacocks with some friends, having a late dinner, when another friend came through the door.  It's not someone I had known before last night, but rather someone who is acquainted, one way or another with everyone else at the table.  I introduced myself and when I said that I was Matt's wife, he looked utterly surprised.

Okay, maybe I'm making a bit much of this, but I can't stop thinking about it.  Why would he look so surprised that my husband's married?  Was it me?  Was it that my husband doesn't tell his friends that he's wed?  I don't know, but it bothers me.  What bothers me even more than that is that it bothers me.  Am I just being insecure?  Was I interpreting his look for surprise when it wasn't?

I asked my husband about it, but he brushed it off as nothing.  I can't be upset with him about something someone else did, but I'm bothered by it.  So much so that I think I'm going to clean the bedroom from top to bottom over the weekend and try to find his ring.  It has to be here somewhere.

I'm sure the little voice at the back of my mind will shut the hell up sooner or later, but for now, she's not.  It'll either pass, or it'll be locked away at the back of my mind.  I don't let things go very easily, I'm inflexible like that.  I suppose one of the lessons I've learned is that sometimes, it's better to hold onto things for another time, when you might actually need them.

Wedding ring.  I'm going to look for it so that in the future, I won't be surprised by the look of surprise when someone who knows Matt finds out he's married.  That way, I won't have to be hurt over absolutely nothing.