Thursday, October 29, 2009

Pardon me while I wallow in self-pity...

I'm having a seriously bad morning, so far.  I thought yesterday was bad, ha!  At least yesterday, I could sit and hold a conversation without bursting into tears every two minutes.  Today, that's not at all the case.  I've been crying all morning, and where I'd normally say I had no idea what was wrong with me (which is normally at least a partial lie, but it's one I have to tell myself), today I have no such luxury.  I know exactly what's wrong with me, but that doesn't help me fix it.

I woke up to the phone ringing and thought I didn't get it in time, I called the person back.  Over the last two days, I've been dealing with a bit of business with someone who is utterly rude.  Yesterday, she threatened me.  Today, she threatened me, lectured me, and told me I was a bad person.  I know I'm having issues with this particular thing, and if there was something that could be done about it, I would do it, but there's nothing that can be done about it right now and telling me I'm a horrible person isn't going to make things better.  What's next, a gun to my head tomorrow?  I'm so angry and unsettled about this thing and I know that's the point of them calling, to upset me and make me afraid.  What bothers me the most is, it's working.

Then, once I got off the phone with that women and settled down a little bit, I called FAFSA to see what could be done about my financial aid issues.  Earlier in the week, I tried to file a new FAFSA for grad school and their system wouldn't allow it because I already have one on file.  My school told me to call FAFSA.  So, FAFSA tells me that nothing can be done, that I can't amend my FAFSA for this school year because I wouldn't have received my bachelor's degree by July 2009.  They said that I can wait until January and file a FAFSA for the next school year (2010-2011), but that won't help me at all with the spring semester.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  I admit it, I cried, again... and not just a little.  I'm such a basketcase today.

When I got done crying, I checked my grad school application on Tarleton's system and I've been granted a "Conditional Admissions" as a graduate candidate.  My understanding was that undergrads seeking to enter graduate school could be given full admissions, but I'm pretty sure the condition is the conferral of my bachelor's degree.  As long as I pass everything between now and mid-December, that shouldn't be a problem.  Of course, that's the trick, isn't it?  I'm really very worried about my ability to pull through Geology.  I have to take the make up for test #2, as I was on a field trip for my grad class that day, and the make-up is an essay.  I've never written an essay for a science class, but I figure I'll be okay if I study; I've written a hell of a lot of essays in my day.  I'm also pretty concerned about passing Ren & Reformation, Dr. C gives pop quizzes.  There've been four so far, I missed two of them, got a B on one, and failed the other.  Those quizzes are 30% of my grade, so I could make an A on everything else and still make a C or a D in the class.  It could be that I'm worried for nothing, there're more quizzes to come, as long as I take them and do okay, I should pass.  Fingers crossed all around.

After checking my application and finding that I had been admitted to the graduate program, I decided to give financial aid one final go.  I summoned up all the good feelings I could about having been admitted, that way I was less likely to cry, and I called the financial aid department at my school, which is always a little tricky, especially since they were terribly rude to me a few days ago.  They actually hung up on me earlier this week.  Ugh. Anyway, the guy I talked to was really nice, I couldn't talk to my counselor as she's out with the flu, but he asked another counselor about my issue and she said that when I got my acceptance letter, I could take it to Financial Aid and they could repackage me.  That means that I should be about to get financial aid for the spring!  I wasted all those tears on FAFSA for nothing.  Of course, it's yet to be seen, I never fully trust what they say until it's said and done.  They're not completely reliable.

So now, my biggest concern is that if I don't pass everything and graduate, than my financial aid is going to be messed up.  If I graduate, then them having repackaged my financial aid will be awesome because I'll have student loans to pay for my tuition.  However, if I don't graduate, then what's left of my financial aid for the year will be gone in a puff of smoke and I won't be able to pay for classes in the spring.  I suppose the only really good way to make sure that everything turns out okay is to graduate.  I'm really feeling nervous right about now, but by the end of this week, I'll only have about 6 weeks of school left and I'm hoping to make them awesome... but the truth is, I'm not feeling terribly awesome right now.  Depression is back, in full force, and worse than it has been in years.  I just keep telling myself that I need to get through this and everything will be okay.

I sure hope that when mid-December comes, I'm able to look at myself and know that it wasn't all a lie.  I want to be able to say that I gave it my all and pulled through and graduated.  I don't think I've ever wanted December so badly in my entire life.