Thursday, January 14, 2010

Waiting for rain...

I have to tell you, I am not in a good place right now.  I know what you're thinking: surprise, surprise.  Hell, that's what I'm thinking.  I really need for school to start back, I need the distraction, and I need the money.  I know that sounds horrible, school should be about learning, and while it is, when you live on financial aid money, school starting back is so much more than that. This semester, it means just that much more because I can pick up my diploma on the 19th.  I worked for it, I want it, and somewhere in the back of my mind this tiny voice is screaming that when I go to pick it up they're going to point and laugh and admit that it was all a joke.  Stupid, yes; irrational, yes.  I very clearly have issues.

Then, this morning, while sitting around doing nothing, I came to the realization that I don't enjoy being pointlessly idle.  I only enjoy doing nothing when there's something I'm supposed to be doing.  How's that for procrastination?  I could be cleaning my house, lord knows it needs to be cleaned.  I could be doing the laundry, it needs doing, too.  Instead, I was reading a book.  It's a good book, one I'm enjoying immensely.  I still feel a bit guilty about foregoing the stuff I need to do for something I want to do.  So, then, I don't like doing nothing, unless I should be doing something, but then I feel guilty about it.

Oh, and my husband is feeling bad again today.  We got his meds, he's been taking them for the last few days, along with a whole bunch of other stuff, but he's not really feeling much better.  He had a terrible headache last night, and right this second, at 3:45 in the afternoon, he's laying in the bed with the blankets over his head because he says the sinus pressure is unbearable.  I'm worried it's not going to get better, but we both really need it to because it's affecting our life, and our marriage, in a bad way.  This is a horrible way to start the new year.  I hope it doesn't pre-sage something worse, like a chronic problem, he can't even function like this and he's in a position right now where he has to go to class and do well if he wants to continue doing the same.  I have no idea how that's going to happen with him like this.  I'm trying to be hopeful that the meds just haven't had the time to work yet, but he's taken 5 of the 6 pill cycle of meds, you'd think he'd be feeling a little bit better by now.

And, to top it all off, my teeth are really bothering me again.  I have a broken wisdom tooth, or what's left of a broken wisdom tooth, in the back of my mouth that really needs to be cut out.  Unfortunately, without insurance, getting it done is just not workable.  It hurts, or at least bothers me, all the time right now.  I hope it starts to be something I can ignore again soon, because pain that I can do nothing about seems like a cruel fate, and one that I really don't feel like I deserve right now.

Anyway, it's back to the book because I need a distraction.  I really hope it rains, it's in the forecast and I could use a bit of cheering up.