Hesitant, Hopeful

When I was growing up, my family took a road trip to Texas most years. It was something we always looked forward to, we'd stop along the way at places like the Meteor Crater and Grand Canyon in Arizona and Carlsbad Cavern in New Mexico and my folks would give us $100 each to do with what we pleased for "vacation money."  This was their answer to allowance.  Rather than getting allowance we got money for souvenirs along the way.   Genius if you ask me, I mean, had they given us that money during the year, we'd have used it to buy scruncii's at the mall or something and would have had nothing for vacation.

Anyway, now that I'm all grown up, rather than taking trips from California to Texas, we're going from Texas to California.  Matt and I have driven to California twice, in the last 11 years, and I'm on the road with my aunt right now, and I find that though I'm not much of a traveler, I still enjoy the trip between CA and TX (or vice versa) along I-40.  We did take a bus to CA one year from Waco, which was a total nightmare, and it took I-10, but there's just nothing down there (except maybe Shawn in Phoenix, lol), so we always like to take the I-40 when we can help it.

My Aunt Sue and I left California around 11:30 a.m. this morning, which was about an hour and a half later than we had planned.  Still, after a late start, we made it all the way to Holbrook, AZ before calling it a night.  It's about 480 miles, which isn't a bad start toward the almost 1,100 miles or so between Hesperia, CA and Plainview, TX, where we'll stop to see family before continuing on to Central TX.  So, tomorrow, we have about 580 miles to go.

It was really hard for me to leave CA this time.  I always have a hard time leaving because I know it'll be a while before I can see my folks again, but I always know that I need to go home and deal with my real life (as opposed to my awesome vacation life where I have no responsibilities).  It wasn't like that this time.  This time, I just wanted to stay and not go home.  I miss Matt and my babies, but I did not want to go back to Texas.  I just kept telling myself that I had to, but that didn't make it any easier.

I tend, you see, to be one of these people that sets my mind on something and want it right then.  When I want something, I want something, and that's that.  Well, I really, really want to move to California.  I'm done with my BA, and I'm ready, for the first time in 11 years, to go home and stay there.  I have moments where I wish, and I do mean wish, that I'd never moved away.  They're fleeting moments, most of the time, because I really do like Texas -- especially Waco-- but it's been really hard on me to be so far away from family for so long.

Anyway, when it came time to go, I actually cried and I never cry.  I cried because I wanted like hell to stay, and because my mom was crying which made me cry.   I feel like such a baby, but I don't want to go back to my little house in tiny little nowhere TX.  I don't want to.  Yes, I know I sound like a five year old, having a little tantrum, but I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!!  Take that!

So, it's getting late and I need sleep.  I'm about to be off to sleep, we have along day tomorrow.   Next time I get the chance I'll write more about my actual trip, and seeing Jodi and Shannon, but for now, I'm tired and I've already written too much.

Good night.