Monday, April 19, 2010

Wherein I ramble... a lot.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I never know what to say after a long spell of silence.  It's true in my day to day dealings, with the people in my life, with my husband, and it's true here, too.  Once I haven't written in a while, it becomes awkward and I find it easier to say nothing than to post anything.  I don't know why it should be like that, it's my blog after all, I should be able to just hop back on and go!  Like riding a bicycle or something, blogging is a skill not easily forgotten, but laziness trumps blogging almost every time.  It never fails... it never, ever fails.

So, here I am.  It's 2:55 a.m. and I'm here rather than in my bed, where I should be, cuddled up with my warm husband.  No, I'm freezing my tail off in the living room because even though it's 55 degrees outside, it's more like 45 inside and if I turn on the heater, he'll overheat while he sleeps.  Considering sleep is a luxury he doesn't easily afford, I don't want him to sleep poorly, so I'm suffering.  Awake at nearly 3 a.m. isn't a new thing for me lately.  I've been sleeping like hell.  Last week, I got a whole 15 hours of sleep, maybe, over the course of the entire week.  There was a time when I could easily sleep 15 hours a day and be happy.  Headachy, but happy.  Now, I'm lucky to sleep at all and never sleep at the right times.  My perfect sleep hours are 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., those are my ideal hours, during which I sleep perfectly and wake up feeling amazing.  Not midnight to 8 a.m., not 10 p.m. to 6 a.m., no it has to be those golden hours between 11 and 7!

I just gave in and turned on the heater.  When I got up to go to the thermostat, I noticed the bedroom light's on.  Matt went to bed almost two hours ago now, but the lights on because I told him that I'd be right in after checking my email.  I never got around to getting there, and now I feel bad about it, because he wouldn't have left the light on if he wasn't waiting for me.  Insomnia is turning me into something horrible and someone I hate.  I look miserable, I feel miserable, I hate everything and everyone, and the thought of writing or school work makes me irrationally repulsed.  This inability to sleep is affecting my relationships, it's making it hard for Matt and I to get along because I'm so edgy.

Fortunately, over this last weekend, I did manage to get a whole night's sleep, which is carrying me through.  Tonight, I'll not get much and I doubt that's going to change any time soon.  Maybe, when the semester's over and the summer's here, I'll start to feel less like a rat in a maze and get back to sleeping all night again?  I don't know, but a girl can dream, right?  On the heels of that weekend sleep, Matt and I went out with Melanie and Joey on Saturday night.  We don't all go out much, for lack of funds or time, and it was nice to just enjoy an evening out with friends.  Dinner and Hastings, and a movie.  I wore the dress I got at Fashion Bug when I was in California and for once felt really good about myself.   I painted my toenails pink and wore cute shoes, and felt great.  Now here I am, feeling like crap again because I'm back to not sleeping.

I'm rambling, I think.  I'm going to be really busy over the next few weeks as I struggle to pull this semester together.  I have to read three books, have two 20 page papers to write, two annotations, three questions for my American Lit final, and a four page response paper.  It's a ton of work and I'm running out of time to do it all.  One of those 20 page papers, the final questions, and the response paper are due April 28th, which is a week from Wednesday.  So, if I haven't been writing, this is why and for those who're looking for something here, I'm sorry.

On that note, I also wanted to say thanks to those who emailed me and expressed an interest in my whereabouts.  I really appreciate it.  Now, I'm off to stare at my bedroom ceiling and pretend I'm sleeping.  Hopefully I'll write again soon and be able to catch up on blog reading, because I have seriously fallen behind on that front.  Better go now, need to turn off the heat, Matt's stirring around in there.

Good night.