Thursday, September 2, 2010

What doesn't... ah, forget it.

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger... okay, enough of that.

You've just read what seems to be my motto for the fall. Those of you who read here with any regularity know that I had a horrible summer. Those who don't, well, I had a horrible summer. Now everyone knows. Everything that could go wrong did. The stove going out, work, my grandmother passing... horrible... freaking... summer. Now that fall's here, I'm trying hard not to have a horrible freaking fall, too, but I'm also feeling like by the time Christmas break comes, I'll be ready for a break.

I started school and work on Monday, but that wasn't where things began. I had orientations and meetings last Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Turn around from that and I was at the school bright and early Monday morning. So far, school's okay, but as one would expect with graduate school, I have a lot of work already! Work is busy, busy, but will get busier next week when the labs start. Right now, I work every day in the writing center, observe basic writing two mornings a week, attend a weekly meeting but starting next week I'll also teach two lab sections and work every other Wednesday evening in the library from 5-8 doing writing center stuff.

That's not to say I'm not enjoying it, because so far, I am. I'm also exhausted and it's only Thursday, but I've been assured that that will get easier. I'm looking forward to all of this becoming routine, because I need to lull into a sense of routine to keep my sanity. I have the feeling that it won't be routine for a while yet, which is expected. With every job, and every semester, a period of adjustment is normal... right? Gah, I hope so, because if not, the exhaustion and subtle confusion are just me and I hate when things like this are just me.

Right now, my biggest concern is next weeks start of labs. I am petrified with fear over having to teach these labs. I know it's nothing to be worried about, I know I know more than basic writers, but all the knowledge in the world isn't putting to bed the fear that I'm going to screw up, or look like an idiot, or come off unprofessional. In all this fear, I do have moments of lucidity and sheer, unadulterated confidence that I can do this, but the other 23 hours and 59 minutes a day, I'm terrified. I'm hoping it'll pass once it's over, or at the very least ease as the semester progresses. We'll see if my nerves can do that, or if I'm just a total basket case from here on out.

I have to say, though, I know that at least part of my problem is the realization that presentations are all around me and that I can't escape them. I have to teach the labs as a part of the GA job, which I understood when I took the job, but I also have to do a presentation and a class discussion thing in my British Lit class and give presentations about the writing center as a part of my writing center duties. Fear of public speaking be damned, it's something I have to do. Yay for being a grown-up, grad student with grown-up grad student responsibilities.

Two years, two years, two years... yeah, repetition because I learned in high school senior psych that you have to repeat things if you hope to commit them beyond your short term memory. Not that the fact that it'll take two years needs be committed, I know it with every shred of my being. May 2012, it seems like forever but by the time I get working on everything that needs be worked on, I'm sure I'll wonder where the hell the time went.

To top it all off, though it's not really time yet, my thesis topic is floating around in my brain. I'm thinking about it all the time now, ways to spin it and make it as original and compelling, both for myself and any prospective audience, as I possibly can. We'll see what I come up with. Nothing I can possibly share just yet.

Is it Friday afternoon yet? No? Damn!