Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear Light, I See You...

I'll just start with this: I lied, I don't have pictures today -- In my defense, I'm at work and don't have access to my pics.  Maybe next time.

My finals are nearly over now, just one to go tonight, and I'm feeling much better than I was when last I wrote.  Stress does terrible things to my psyche.  The two finals I had yesterday were pretty brutal, but tonight's should be fine, so I'm not worried.  Okay, to be honest, even if it was going to be brutal I still don't think I have it in me to worry anymore about this semester; I'm all worried out.  Sadly, I still didn't sleep well last night, even after taking two really hard finals yesterday.  I can't seem to let down from this semester, but am hoping that once classes are over and work's done, and once grades are in, I'll feel better.  Unfortunately, grades won't be in until Monday, so I most likely won't know how I did until Tuesday morning.

I have gotten a few individual grades back so far and they've been okay.   I got an A- on my childfree rhetoric paper, which I feel like I really earned.  It was a good paper with a few problems, like having cast too wide a net for the project, but overall a good paper. I made an A-/B+ on my British lit paper, which is the equivalent of a 90 -- it's an A, but only barely.  When my professor gave the Brit lit paper back yesterday she went over all the problems with it and we discussed how I could have tightened it up.  Talking to her, I was feeling okay.  Then, I left her office, the paper in hand, and it took everything I had not to burst into tears right there in the stairwell.  I worked so hard on that paper, I felt like it was good, and she said she could see that I'd worked extremely hard on it.  She also said that my "prose were elegant and beautiful" which is an immense compliment coming not just from a professor, but from someone I respect as much as Dr. Y.  She also loved my title, but then, she's a sucker for a good title and mine was awesome (if I do say so myself)!

I can almost hear you asking yourself why I would cry at having made an A.  The answer isn't a simple one, becuase I don't exactly know.  It's like the feeling you get when you're proud of something you've done, and think it's good work that represents your intellect and work ethic, but then someone else sees what you've done and isn't really as impressed as you were.  It's heartbreaking.  Also, I think it has to do with the frustration of never seeming to be able to do better than that.  I'd really like to make an A, or an A+, but can't seem to do better than an A- on most of my work -- Okay, in all fairness, I did make an A on my rhetoric mid-term.  Ultimately, I know it's my fault, I need to maybe study  more or thinking it through a little harder, but it's still frustrating.  I work really hard for the grades I get, I put in 100% of my effort, and I'm finding that 100% isn't representing anything better than an A-; it makes me feel like a sub-par person. Also, embarrassment is a hard pill to swallow.  I want my professors, especially the ones I respect, to look at me and see a smart capable student and when I do A-/B+ work, I don't feel like they're capable of doing that.  I guess I feel like I'm letting them, and myself, down.

I have a complex and I'm hoping, soon, to overcome it.  I'm just trying to tell myself that I need to toughen up and grown thicker skin, because when it comes time to write my thesis, it's the job of my committee to scrutinize my arguments and tell me how to improve them.  I have the feeling that when that time comes, I'm going to spend a lot of time feeling sub-par, so prepare yourselves for the pity-party of the century.  Maybe I should start prefacing my posts with content warnings.  "Warning, this post contains large quantities of pitiful self-loathing.  Read at your own risk."  That sounds about right.

Wish me luck on my last final, and send good thoughts that the work I've already done has been good enough to warrant good grades.  I'd really like to make A's this semester.