Monday, December 13, 2010

It's My Party & I'll Cry If I Want To...

I usually start these posts after a long time with an apology, or some sort of surprise that it's been so long since I last wrote, but I don't really have the energy to do that this time.  So, instead, you're getting an explanation about why I'm not apologizing or waxing philosophic about where the time has gone.  Now that I think about, that would probably have been quicker, but it just doesn't fit today's mood.  Today, I'm tired and a little bit grumpy... surprise, surprise.

It's only Monday and I'm exhausted, which does not bode well for the rest of the week.  Though work hours are short this week, since we're only open from 10-3 for finals week, I still have finals and I'm feeling, right now, like that's simply too much, like I won't get through it, like I can't possibly write even one more test, or paper, or word, really. It's not a good feeling as I reach the end.  I should be happy, right?  I got all my paper's done, that should be a good thing.  Not really feeling it, but I'm hoping to feel better when it's all over and grades are in.  I'm so tired of being worried about grades, so tired.  At this point, if I fail everything I doubt I'd care. Indifference is not a good feeling, I should be elated or excited, or... something, right?  Huh.

Nope, nothing.

Maybe it's because I've been so busy and haven't had time to think it through, or worry about worrying, or throw a tantrum about being so busy?  I don't know.  Over the last month I've done two long papers and four short papers, given two presentations, studied, worked and gone to class, and I spent last Friday night proctoring a final for freshmen English.  Believe it or not, I kind of enjoyed it, the final I mean.  It gave me a chance to sit and read my friend's novel, which I've been trying to get to for weeks.  I really just want to do something I want to do, rather than what everyone else expects me to do, just for a little while.  Pretty immature, isn't it?  Still, I can't help feeling like I should have the right to time to myself once in a while.  Everyone needs time to unwind without someone else's expectations hovering over them.  Can't play World of Warcraft or read a book or watch TV, have to write a paper, study for a test, go to work or class, clean the house, do what Matt wants, cook dinner, do the laundry, go to this appointment or that appointment, or a thousand other things not of my own devising.

Yes, I'm having a tantrum.

I'm just not cut out for this stress.  And yes, much of this is my doing.  No one forced me to apply for grad school (eh hem, mostly), no one forced me apply for the assistantship, and while that may be technically true, expectations are still hanging over my head like a two ton anvil.  My own, those of my husband, and honestly, I have no idea what I'd be doing if not this.  Probably something else I'd complain about in equal measure.  I suppose what I want is stability and a normal life.  I see people around me with normal lives, regular jobs, and I want those things too (with a few notable exceptions).  I wasn't cut out for a life with a schedule in flux, where expectations are constantly changing, where I feel, all the time, like I'm being chewed up and spit out.  College is supposed to make your life better, right?  Not make you feel more hopeless.

Ultimately, I try to remind myself that this is a means to an end.  I have a job I like (generally) and am attending classes I enjoy (for the most part) and in a few years, when it's all over, I'll have a Master's degree and two years quality work experience. I have a wonderful, if unhelpful, husband and a great family.  I just need to remember the good things and try not to let the bad get me down.  Here it comes, an apology... I didn't mean to spend this whole entry complaining or sounding like a whiny baby, but it certainly came out like that, didn't it?  Not much of an apology, but you get my point.  I just, I don't know, I think I just needed to get this all out because I'm feeling a little better now than when I started this entry.

I'll write again soon, I promise, and next time I'll bring pictures -- this post would probably have come out less whiny and more upbeat had I been at home and had access to pictures.  I hope y'all are having a better week, or month, or year than I am.  Thankfully, it'll all be over soon.  I really need the break to rest and refresh, and the promise of a new year to look forward to.


  1. I don't think the entry came across as a "whiny baby." it actually came across as brutally honest. I suspect there are many people who feel the same way, but do not necessarily state it because they are too busy painting some ideal version of their life for the benefit of others.
    This will sound like a cliche, but college is definitely a growing process. I was exactly where you are at a couple terms ago. I would spend days...weeks even...completing my assignments, and I would feel nothing when they were done. Where was the sense of elation? Instead, the feeling I had was more like resentment, because the assignment had taken so much of MY LIFE to complete. There was SO many other things I could have been doing that I would have enjoyed, rather than losing hours of my life to some task that a professor believed was appropriate to my learning experience.
    This term, my feelings are different. I have evolved from resentment to indifference about my school work. All that matters to me now is my dissertation, and all my other assignments are just these little irritating interruptions to what I really need to be doing (even though "little" could be 10-15 pages long!). But the big difference is I have actually started to feel excited about graduation.
    I'm not sure what caused the transition this term. I think it is a combination of receiving more direction on my dissertation this term, and actually being offered the exposure to the field I will be working in for the rest of my life (via practicum).
    I know your program is vastly different, but I think you will reach a point where something changes in you. The events that trigger the change will be different than those that triggered mine, but I really do believe you will progress to a point where you are excited about your education/future, and feel proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far.
    And if not, at least when you are graduate, you can move to California, and we can talk about it over an overpriced coffee!
    OMG...can't believe I wrote such a long "comment." Sorry! I can just really relate to this post. :)

  2. I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed! I hope you can get a lot of relaxing done over the holiday break and maybe next term will be a bit better, you never know! Lots of luck and best wishes!!

  3. Hang in there Kristyn and keep focusing on that finish line! Sorry, I wish I could say something more profound, but I can't compete with the above. ;-)