Monday, February 21, 2011

Definitely Need More Cookies!!

This. Exactly this. This is how I'm feeling today... and if we're being honest, most days. I truly believe that graduate school, while rewarding, is meant to try the limits of your sanity. It's trying mine daily.

I feel kind of bad for complaining about how worn out I am -- I mean, Shannon goes to grad school, has a job and an internship, four kids, is writing a dissertation (which is like a thesis's much bigger brother) and still manages to make time. She's my hero right now, I swear!  She's far less whiny and bitchy than me!!

Unfortunately, feeling bad isn't going to stop the complaining I'm about to do. Sorry. I just don't know, maybe it's that I haven't had enough sleep, or the fact that I've not had a single day to just bum around, but I am starting to feel so overwhelmed with everything I have going on right now. Going to school, work, and trying to manage my home life is starting to wear me down. I know he's going to get mad at me for saying this (if he sees it at all), but I could really use more help at home. Matt's an amazing husband, very emotionally supportive, but he's not nearly helpful enough around the house. An example, Friday night he offered to do laundry, was up all night, and when I got up on Saturday morning he'd folded one load, had one in the washer and one in the dryer. Okay, he worked on it a little bit. So, when I got up I started working on the laundry and got seven loads finished in about 6 hours.  So, yeah, you see what I'm saying here. I also managed to do three loads of dishes, read nearly 200 pages of composition studies, and outlined about half of those pages. Saturday was crazy busy, no rest for the wicked.

Sunday, I woke up (too early, mind you) thinking about my composition studies discussion post for the week.  I laid there about a half an hour, trying to go back to sleep, but all I could manage to do was formulate, and reformulate, my discussion post in my head. Believe it or not, doing rhetoric homework in my head is not conducive to sleeping. So, I got up on about six hours of sleep and did my rhetoric homework.  I also did two more loads of wash, another load of dishes, wrote a blog post, graded two papers (which took me quite some time), read 45 pages of my book for American lit, cleaned up the living room, vacuumed the carpet, and Fabrezed down the curtains in both the living room and kitchen. Sunday was amazingly busy, too.

By the time I crawled into my bed at 1am last night (or would that be Monday morning?) my entire weekend had been spent cleaning or doing homework. Not, awesome. And would you believe that after all of that, all the wash is still not done?! Matt has sooooooo many clothes. Our house, even though I spent all weekend cleaning it between my homework, is still a huge mess, but I don't have the drive to clean it up. And it's a catch-22, because the mess and the clutter is making me so depressed. I almost don't want to be home, which is silly because I'm a total homebody, because of the mess. I simply can't stand it, it makes me so terribly angry, which makes living with me a nightmare, both for me and for Matt. I know I'm being a raging bitch, I just can't help myself, so everyone around me is miserable. Again, not, awesome.

So yeah, I want time to do nothing, that's what it amounts to and you know, I don't think that's too much to ask.  One of my new year's resolutions was that I make "me time."  That's never managed to actually happen yet and it's the last week of February.  I have to make some soon, or I'm going to lose it, but when will I do that with everything else?  I figured, today, that before spring break (which starts March 14th) I have to write my thesis topic proposal, write the proposed primary and secondary source lists for my thesis, read two novels, write two papers, take a mid-term, write two discussion posts, read and outline 12 chapters (that's hundreds of pages), grade and re-grade 15 2-3 page essays, and work, which amounts to teaching 7 more classes, two more labs, and about 45 hours of tutoring in the writing center. Oh, and did I mention there's going to be a conference at our school on the weekend of March 4th? Yeah. That is a heck of a lot of work between now and two and a half weeks from now! I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

And you know, I think I said this before but it warrants repeating, I really like my job. I mean, really like it. I don't feel that grudging feeling when it's time to go to work. I don't count the minutes until I can go home. I enjoy teaching the class and labs, which is huge for me, and I even enjoyed grading the papers last night!  My boss looked over the two I graded, said I was on the right track, and gave me a whole bunch of tips/suggestions on how to improve. I love the mentoring process, where I can learn to teach from people who are both patient and experienced. I was even, this weekend, considering where I'll end up when I'm done here. California is obvious, but where?  I'd like to move to the desert, but getting on at VVC isn't really a very good possibility. They're never hiring, save for the adjunct pool, and I don't really want to adjunct if I'm going to be working at a community college. I spent some time searching for jobs for English instructors around Southern California and found that there are openings. Of course, I can't take one now, but soon. That said, some of them are in places like Porterville, near Bakersfield, but that's okay too. Seeing the openings and knowing that I qualify for them is good enough for me, for now. I honestly never believed that I would be looking for work as a teacher, even on the college level, but here I am planning to do just that, and I'm happy about it!

So, long story short, I both need to stop starting sentences with co-ordinating conjunctions and I need to stop being so down about not having much time to myself. Graduate school is hard, no one said it would be easy, and I knew that going in. I just need to remember that there's a reason I'm going to graduate school, that when I'm done I'll be educated and have the experience I need, and that I can move to California, get a good job, and have time to myself then. Until that time, I'm probably going to complain because I feel like my sanity is not-so-slowly seeping away. It's not (probably), but I feel that way a lot of the time.

It might just be that I need to talk to Matt, who has been awesome lately, especially about the smoking thing (I'll tell you about that soon), and see if I can wrangle more help out of him. I'm sure he wouldn't mind helping out a bit more, he knows I could use the help. Which, of course, begs questions like "if he knows I need help why hasn't he taken the initiative to help me?" which I simply chalk up to him being a man so that I don't get angry at him. I know not all men are unhelpful, take my dad for instance, but I know a lot of men who are so I'm sticking with it.

For now, I have to go finish the book for my American lit class so I can write the paper that's due on Wednesday night. I hope you're all holding it together better than I am and having an awesome Monday. For me, it's about to be cookies... like I need any damn cookies.