Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Waiting Game

Well, my comps are over and the waiting game is in full-swing. Honestly, who's tired of hearing me go on and on about my comps? I am, for one, so others must be too. Unfortunately, it's literally the only thing on my mind right now. I should be nervous about the coming semester, where I'll have two classes of my own (50 students), teaching a subject I've not taught before, but I can't even summon up the tiniest shred of fear about it. All I can do is worry over my comps. I think about it from the time I'm awake in the morning, until I go to sleep at night, and then I dream about it. I literally can't do anything to get my mind off of it.

Honestly, I think if I was certain I had done well on the first one, I wouldn't be so freaked out. The second test, I'm sure I did pretty well. I don't feel like I could have done any better, at any rate, so I'm not worried over it. I said what I needed to say to answer the question competently, knew what I was talking about, and the paper was well proofread. I'm sure there's a small error here and there, but nothing to worry over. It's the first test that's got me worried. I think the material was good, but the errors are huge and that makes me worry that I failed it.

And, the longer it takes for my committee chair to get back to me, the more concerned I get. It's past the time she said I'd probably hear, so my brain has convinced me that I've failed the first test, and gone into worry overdrive. My body is seriously trying to alternate between the desire to throw-up and the desire to burst into tears. Somehow, I don't think my body was made to gracefully cope with this amount of worry, yet I'm such a worrier. Thanks physiology, really, I appreciate your unwillingness to work with my brain on this one.

So, I've been debating whether or not I should email my committee chair and find out if she knows anything yet. Part of me says that she'll email me when she knows whether or not I've passed. The other part of me is screaming that it can't hurt to email, except that I'll look like a basket-case who can't gracefully wait for my results like an adult. The problem is, I can't gracefully wait for my results. I should be to the point where I'm resolved that I can't do anything about it either way, but I'm not kicking into that gear for whatever reason. So, the wait is excruciating.

I can't eat, which might be a good thing, lord knows I could benefit by it. I can't focus on playing the any of my games. I can't work on my thesis because looking at it reminds me of my potentially failing comps exam. I can't read because I can't keep my mind on the page and not wandering to my comps. I wonder how people who have to wait longer deal with it? I would literally go insane if I had to wait too long... I may be heading down the path now and I've not been waiting that long. I literally check my email every five minutes, but on the upside my brain tells me every time that there's nothing there and I've started to get use to it being empty.

Anyway, enough of this for several reasons. First, it's annoying to complain all the time, and not just for myself. Next, It's making me more worried (if that's at all possible). Finally, because I can't do anything about it right now. So, I think I'll go try again to focus on anything but the comps and though I'll fail, at least I'll have made the attempt.