Hesitant, Hopeful

You know, I've found that the longer I go without blogging, the more anxious I feel about it, which leads me to serious blog avoidance. Hence, no posts this month so far, unless you count the first and it occurred to me when I was typing that that particular problem pertains to everything in my life right now. The longer I avoid something, the more I want to avoid it. It's procrastination, taken to the absolute extreme. Take my thesis, for example. The longer I avoid it, the more anxiety I feel about avoiding it, the less I want to tackle it. So, there it sits, not getting done, because I'm too anxious to work on it. Grading and housework, too, for that matter.

It's everything in my life because I feel like I'm absolutely underwater, right now. I'm behind on everything, falling farther behind every day, and I feel like I just can't get caught up. It sucks to feel like your drowning in your own existence, but that's how I'm feeling right now. What's worse, it's absolutely not an illusion. I am drowning, I am behind, way behind, and every time I feel like I can start to get caught up, something else piles on. Grading, for instance. Grading is my biggest thing right now because it seems to take me forever. I get it done in time for a short reprieve, just for more papers to pile in. It's a part of the job, and I both accept and understand it, I even enjoy it most of the time, but right now it feels like an anchor tied to my feet.

Ugh, I just realized that I haven't written anything in almost a month and I'm back with complaining. Sorry. It's all I feel like doing right now, thanks to some rather annoying physiological things going on with me. So, it's bitch, bitch, bitch and maybe next week I'll feel less like complaining. For now, this is all I've got and you know, I'm okay with that because even though I'm complaining, I feel like it's digging me out of one of the many holes I'm stuck in. This represents one less thing I'm behind on, which actually makes me kind of happy. Weird, right?  I'm complaining about everything dragging me down and saying I'm happy about blogging. It's a bi-polar kind of day, I guess.

For now, I'm off. My students are taking a mid-term and papers will start coming in soon. I hope everyone's in less of a rut than I am right now, I wouldn't wish this on people I don't like, let alone friends. Oh, and please forgive the typos, I'm not really in an edit kind of mood.

Adieu.