Friday, November 4, 2011

Overwhelmed and Alone

I am in such an amazingly frustrated place right now. The year's almost over, I have so much to do, and seems that for all the world I can't get my feet under me. No matter what I do, we can't get ahead and do the things that need to be done. To make matters worse, I feel so utterly alone, it's not even funny. I have thesis, work, and grading which are things I have to do by myself, and it would be fine, if I didn't have to do everything else alone, too. And, to compound the issue, though I'm not much of a crier, I feel like I am going to cry all of the time.  The pressure in my head from holding back the tears is making me feel sick, and I have moments where I feel like I just can't go on another moment... like the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and not crawl back out until things are better.

The irony, of course, is that if I don't put them in a better state, they're never going to get there, so sleeping off the weight of everything is impossible. Besides, I can't seem to sleep lately, and when I do, I have nightmares. I know not sleeping well is adding to my malaise, but sleep is not something you can force one way or the other. I've considered taking melatonin, but with the nightmares, I'm worried the melatonin will make them worse and the idea of being forced asleep makes my stomach turn with anxiety. So, any sort of sleep inducing medication is a no-go.  A definite no-go.

All of this makes me mostly glad I'm going to the doctor on Monday. But, I'm also afraid, which is adding to my restlessness and anxiety. I haven't been to the doctor in YEARS, so to go now is making me feel shaky and a little sick. But, it's better to get this stuff out of the way, to find out that I'm okay, or not okay, and deal with it. My body chemistry has been all screwed up, thanks I think, to a Kenalog shot I got for a sinus infection, so going to the doctor is a definite must, to avoid babies, which is about the last thing I want, or need in my already frustrated life right now.

There are other things, too, but this being a public forum, I don't think I can rightly talk about them. Besides, Matt would get mad at me if I talked about him or the problems we're having--even though it's my blog--so just assume that we're going through some things that I'd like to talk about but can't. How fucking sad, too, since this should be my place to discuss whatever I want. This should be my place to say how I feel, but I can't. Censorship is not cool, seriously. They say blogging is cheaper than therapy, but it looks like it may be therapy for me anyway... yeah, because we can afford that. Awesome.

Okay, enough pity party. I'm off. I have to proctor an exam in a little while, then teach my classes. Then I have grades to input in my gradebook before I can go home, where I have to finish up my thesis chapter, make dinner and clean the kitchen. So much to do, so overwhelmed.