Thursday, March 8, 2012

Living on Overdrive

Things have been so hectic lately. I've been working feverishly on my thesis to meet the March 9th deadline and you know what, I'm probably still not going to meet it. I'm trying, but it'll probably be Saturday or Sunday before I actually get it to her. Sadly, I should have had this chapter done three months ago, so I'm suffering under the weight of a little bit of embarrassment about the whole thing. In addition, I've been grading papers and teaching classes, which is no small amount of work. Then, of course, I have to find time for Matt, to clean my house, and to play with my babies. It's all so much, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.

First, my thesis. I feel like I'm lagging behind with this thing, and I am, but it's because I feel like I'm not saying anything original. I know that I am, largely, but it's troubling. It's not an easy thing to be expected to back up your "original scholarship" with sources. That's the balance here, and as a result I feel like I'm rehashing things that others have already said. Since that's not at all the point of this exercise, its getting harder and harder for me to work on it. But, I think once I get through Chapter Three, and am onto Chapter Four, that feeling will begin to fade. For Ch. 3, I'm discussing works from the late eighteenth-century, while Ch. 4 will be about postmodern works. So, I feel like the postmodern stuff is much easier to discuss with any originality. Anyway, enough rambling about this, the point is I need to get it done.

Grading and keeping up with 50 students is also very work intensive. I enjoy it, but I think with everything else going on, it's exhausting. Worth it, but exhausting, nonetheless. So, I've been wondering whether or not teaching is something I can do once this semester is over. I think I'd like to have an office job, but I don't know. It's something I need to think about, and I mean really, really think about. Maybe, if it weren't for the grading, I'd feel more secure about it. So, I've been thinking that I need to find a way to do the grading that doesn't feel like punishment. I just don't know what that is.

Family, well, is family. Matt's working a job that wreaks brutal havoc on his body, and he hates it, so he's been really emo lately. Unfortunately, that's causing us some problems because there's really only enough room in our relationship for one of us to be emo, and that person is me. What I mean by that is that our relationship works because he's laid back and lets things roll of him like water. I'm the opposite. So our dynamic has always been really good, but lately, it's been difficult. We're working through it.

Ooh, he's also going to be applying for graduate school at Tarleton soon, which has been stressing me out. I really, really hope he gets in because he wants it badly. He went to a meeting yesterday with the Graduate coordinator in the English department and he gave him really encouraging news. So, Matt's going to take Spanish I & II over the summer and, hopefully, start grad school in August. Unfortunately, he can't apply for grad school until he gets those Spanish classes done, so the window of opportunity to apply for grad school is tiny (like a few weeks), but the graduate office told him that would be fine, so we're going with that. He also needs to take the GRE soon, but I don't doubt that will be awesome. He's very smart.

So yeah, everything piling up and it's making me so stressed out that my body is reacting negatively. I was sick with a 24 hour bug over the weekend, and then I woke up on Wednesday morning throwing up, and spent the whole morning doing likewise, and running a fever. So, either I'm just experiencing terrible luck, or the stress from everything is beating me down. That tends to happen, and since I haven't been taking my Fluoxitine lately (because I keep forgetting and because I'm worried that it's contributing to my lack of opportunity to lose weight) I've been pretty depressed on top of everything else. Things have not been wonderful lately, but I keep hoping that will change soon.

Unfortunately, there's no end in sight because I'm also stressing about the fact that my last paycheck will come in June and I need to get a job. We live in a tiny little town where opportunity is pretty low, so I'm probably going to have to commute somewhere, which doesn't really appeal to me. We only have one car, so we've been talking about getting another one, which is difficult because right now with my job situation I feel like we can't afford to get another one. And, since we're going to have to pay out of pocket for Matt's classes in the summer, we're not in a very good situation monetarily.

There are really only a few good things going on right now, the silver linings. First, I'm going to CA in May. I miss my family and, frankly, I need a vacation from my life. I'm going to miss Matt like crazy, though. Second, we managed to replace the microwave, coffee pot, and toaster (which was not cheap, I might add), so everything's not broken anymore. The third thing is that as long as I get in gear, my thesis will get done soon and I'll get my MA in August. Amen!

So now that I've ranted, I just wanted to mention that I've been writing on my book blog again, if you want to check it out, the button's on the sidebar (A Turn of Page). If not, that's fine, too, it's mostly a therapeutic thing for me. Now, I have to go work on my thesis and hope to make progress today!