Friday, March 9, 2012

Out of Order

My brain is absolutely fried. So, if this doesn't make 100% sense, I'm so sorry. I've been working on my thesis for 9+ hours straight today. No, that's not quite right, I went out to grab lunch and I went to Wal-Mart for a few groceries. Otherwise, I worked all day and now I feel like this...

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Dramatic? Yes, but sadly true. Partially, it's my own fault, too, because I've been working on this thing for months and I haven't been getting anywhere. I've been under deadlines that I've missed, I've been suffering from serious stage fright, I've been opening the document, reading it over, and going back to whatever else I was doing. What I have not been doing is getting it done. Have I tried? Hell yes, I've tried! So now that I'm missing another deadline, because that deadline was today, I feel horrible. I feel like a total failure.

And you know, I've got 15 pages to my name on that chapter with one more section to go, but I still feel like a failure. I feel like I should be able to make these deadlines. I've never had trouble with deadlines before, but for some reason this thing is kicking my ass. We're in an epic battle and it is winning. My thesis is winning. I usually get work done, because I have to, but this time it's just not happening and it's really frustrating.

What's even more frustrating is that the time I set out to really work on it this week was messed up because I had a 24 hour bug last weekend and on Wednesday I was puking up my guts. Setbacks and I still don't know whether I was sick Wednesday because I had a stomach bug, or if it was stress making my body break down. Either way, I feel like I'm making excuses because this thing should have been done in January. Either way, the reality is that it isn't done. It will be tomorrow, but it isn't right now, which means that even though I'll have missed this deadline by 24 hours, I will still have missed it.

So disappointing. So frustrating. So ashamed.