Thursday, April 12, 2012

Brain Spill

A lots going on lately, but nothing so huge that I can, or want to, make one post out of it. So, it's brain-spill time and I'm feeling a little bit under the weather today, so bear with my rambling. While I've had some fairly solid posts about one topic or another, like spring or tattoos, I'm feeling like I just need to ramble.

I've been working on my thesis a lot lately, though not nearly enough, and I'm actually getting it done. Not as done as I'd like at this point, but done nonetheless. Right now, I'm working on Chapter Four and though the deadline is tomorrow (April 13th), I'll probably be pushing it through the weekend because 1) I'm feeling bad today so I didn't get anything worked on and 2) Matt's off tomorrow, for the first time in a while, and I'd like to have a few minutes to spend with him. Since I work tomorrow from 9am - 2:30pm, half the day's gone by the time I get home. By the time we grab a bite to eat and spend some time together the day will be gone. Matt's back to work on Saturday, so Saturday is really my time to focus down and get this chapter done. While he's also off on Sunday (I think), Sunday will also be time for me to focus on my thesis so I can get the chapter to my director by Monday (at the latest).

Of course, I have to finish the whole draft, meaning through Chapter Five, before I leave for CA on May 9th. As work is also coming to an end, I have a ton of end-of-semester stuff to finish up. I'll have 50 papers to grade come April 30, and 50 finals after May 3rd, and I have to get all of them graded and semester grades input also before leaving for CA. So, right now I'm looking at two thesis chapters (about 35 pages), 100 student papers/exams to grade, and 50 student grades to factor and input between now and May 8th. That's less than a month, so I'm really crunched for time.  I really, really shouldn't take Friday as personal time, but in the midst of all of that, time with Matt is really important to me, particularly because I'm going to be gone for two weeks in May.

Of course, while I'm visiting family and friends in CA, I'll also have to work on my thesis corrections, but it won't be as busy as I am right now. I'm really looking forward to the break and getting to see everyone in CA. The trip out there, 35+ hours on the train, should be a good time for me to just relax and take in a book or two. While I'm feeling a little nervous about being on a train by myself for two days there and two days back, I'm thinking it should be okay. I've taken this trip alone before and it was fine, so it should be fine this time, too. Fingers crossed.  Then, when I get back from CA, I'm back on a really tight schedule as I have to have my defense scheduled by June 13th and my defense completed by June 27th.

This is something I am absolutely not looking forward to. I have this issue where, when I'm under pressure, my brain shuts down and I can't think. Since the defense is an hour and a half in the spotlight, answering questions and discussing my work, I'm afraid I'm going to shut down and not be able to answer their questions. Or, not be able to answer them to the satisfaction of my thesis committee. I am absolutely petrified. But you know, I was absolutely petrified about my comps, too, and I did fine. The comps lasted a week (one on Monday, one on Friday), so I just keep telling myself it was a much more intense situation than this will be, this will be done in an hour and a half. My committee chair says that failing isn't a concern, that it's little more than an opportunity for them to visit with me about my research and accept me into the scholarly community; she has a lot of faith in me and I don't want to let her down, because my performance on this thing reflects on her, too.

But once it's done, all that'll be left is formatting, final edits, and paying up all the fees (microfilming, copyright, etc. which amounts to quite a lot, actually). I should graduate in August, but I won't be walking. I just want the degree and the bound thesis, I just want the accomplishment, I don't need (or want) the pomp. What I need, and want, is to finish this thing and to regain my sanity. I'm hoping my mental health improves when I'm not under so much pressure, maybe I can get off the meds... you know, the ones I haven't really been taking because I can't seem to remember.

Of course, being under so much pressure with work and school, and with home as I try to navigate doing all of the housework because Matt refuses to help, I find that I'm super grumpy lately. Not taking my meds regularly isn't helping. I've been very touchy and very internally aggressive. I've been thinking I need to try meditating regularly, not for spiritual reasons, but for health reasons. Time to just center and remember that what's important. Unfortunately, right now, my aggression is manifesting as intolerance of many things in my life, things I shouldn't be intolerant of. I find myself unable to tolerate people I could once deal with, even if I didn't like them, and the people I never could tolerate well absolute disgust and infuriate me. I happen upon things here or there, on Facebook or wherever, that might normally irk me and my automatic impulse, of late, is just anger. I can't handle being this emotionally unstable, particularly right now, but I think once things settle down in the next month or so it'll get better. For now, I'm trying to hang in.

Okay, so I can't really think what else I planned to talk about so I'm off. It's getting late anyway, and Matt'll be texting me during his break soon. So, I'm going to watch The Client List, chill some, and go to bed for work in the morning.  If you made it through all of that rambling, thank you for hanging in with me. Good night.