Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Thesis, Panic, & Feeling a Failure

Let's see, what to say... I have some things I'd like to talk about but as long as I'm still with my current employer, I can't. Maybe when the semester's over and I'm no longer teaching and working as a graduate assistant I'll feel more free to discuss some of the issues I'm dying to get out.  For now, the only things really going on are thesis and my trip to California. I can imagine y'all are going to feel so relieved when I finish my thesis and am not talking about it all the time, huh? Yeah, it's pretty much my whole life right now, but I should be done soon.

Of course, that's an assumption because I'm completely out of steam. I'm running on less than empty, but I still have a chapter to finish. I still have to finish chapter five, which isn't coming along well because I'm at a loss as to what I should be saying that hasn't already been said. I'm paralyzed by my inability to get this chapter done, and what's making it worse is that I really needed to get it done before I leave for California... tomorrow.

There's just no way, which is making me panic. I'm not sure what the extreme deadline is to be able to get this thing done to graduate in August, but I really want to be done with it. I'm thinking the extreme deadline is June 1st, because that's Melanie's deadline, but my chapter five deadline is May 11 (or May 9, since I'm going to be on a train for almost two days). I just want to be able to go to CA and enjoy my time there knowing I'm done. But, sadly, with everything else going on, I didn't/haven't gotten it done.

Not gonna lie, feeling a bit of a failure right now. It was the most important thing to finish and I've not gotten it done, and it's only 15 pages. We're not talking 20+, I should have been able to finish it, but I can't seem to make myself work on it. I'm completely repelled by the idea of sitting down and typing one more word about the Romantic Era and Postmodern Gothic fictions. I'm exhausted by this topic, a topic I actually enjoy, but I can't throw in the towel until I get these last 15(ish) pages done.

I've written 89 pages so far and I can't seem to manage 15 more. That's ludicrous. Those 15 pages are standing between me and finishing this thing, and I know when I'm done I'm going to feel wonderful, but until then, I'm struggling. But Matt works tonight, so maybe I'll pull a late night and try to finish it, because if I get on that train tomorrow afternoon with this thing hanging over me, I'm going to feel like a complete failure. Not a bit a failure, but a total, complete failure. Which means I'm setting myself up to feel like that because there's no way it'll get done, and I can't lug all my research materials to California, there's not enough space in my luggage for that by far, so working on it there is possible but not probable.

Okay, I've got to go to work. Last day at this job and my feelings are really, really mixed. I think I'll miss going to work and seeing my co-workers, but I won't miss teaching. Another topic, no time for that right now. I'm off.