Sunday, October 28, 2012

Struggling. . .

Thought I mentioned a few days ago that there are some goods things happening around here, things have been a little bit rocky of late. Partially, it's my fault. Partially, it's Matt's. Partially, it's something completely out of our control. Whomever it is that's to blame, we're struggling. And not just a little bit. Though, I have to say, our struggles are all emotional and health related, which is both better and worse than if they were, say, financial struggles. Better because it's a good thing to be able to pay one's bills, but worse because financial struggles are much simpler to overcome than are  those struggles that come from inside.

For my part, emotional struggles are taking over. My social anxiety and agoraphobia, which have become fairly profound issues, are flaring up to the extreme. I struggle to do anything that might be considered social (even online) without some anxiety and the idea of going out of the house alone, even to places I know and are familiar to me has become an almost full-on anxiety attack inducing thing. The thought of socializing with groups makes me shake almost uncontrollably. I'm thinking that these issues are compounded by the fact that I've been working from home and have, therefore, not gotten out much. Being shut-in has always upset my agoraphobia, but it's worse right now that it has been for a long time. I'm a bit of a basket case, but I'm going to be looking for work, which I think will help.

Matt is a whole other issue. He's trying to quit smoking, which is always a difficult thing for him, and for the most part he's been okay. But, there are times when he's not, or when he seems fine and then snaps and starts to freak out. It's really upsetting my already upset anxiety, but I understand and have tried to be a good ally to him him in this. I'm a terrible enabler, so I'm trying hard to be more supportive. He's about 5 days quit right now, he's struggling, but I'm really proud of him. He's doing the Quit for Life program, which has him on both transdermal patches and nicotine gum. Even still, with all the emotional outbursts, he's doing better on this program than he ever has before.

The last thing is all me and completely out of my control. I found out this week that my ex-husband's grandfather passed away. Though Mike and I didn't make it, and our relationship was rocky and ultimately doomed to failure, I really got along with his family. I loved his grandparents, so when his grandmother, Dean, passed away a while back, I was pretty broken up. Now, his grandfather, Earl, has passed and I am, again, feeling really sad. But, I feel like I have no outlet for my feelings. I can't exactly go to the funeral and I'm sure that even if I could, I wouldn't be welcome. I want to offer Mike my condolences, but that's always been awkward in the past. I just don't know how to handle it, and I don't deal well with pent up feelings and though this is obviously not about me, like, at all, I still feel terrible.

So yeah, things are tense around the house lately. I'm glad the holidays are coming, hopefully things will calm down. Though, Matt's working a bit of overtime again and it's looking like Halloween is going to be a lonely holiday for me. With that, I'm crossing my fingers that he's off for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My only consolation on that one is that they usually close for major holidays. . . usually.

Alright, I'm going. I feel like it might be an early night for me. Good night.


1 comment:

  1. Honey, I love you and I am sorry you are struggling so much. As I told you before, I think that you need to make yourself go out even if it's just like 15 minutes a day and then increase it. Desensitization is the only thing that has ever worked to calm your fears. Even if you don't talk to anyone on these short outings, at least at first. Be please, do talk to your Dr about it too. As for Earl...I know you were close to him, he was always nice to you, he was a great nice. If it helps at all, Mike told me that the Dr had told him that the kind of cancer he had was the least painful. So he just basically got weaker and weaker, but didn't suffer. He said himself he was not in pain. His funeral is Friday Nov 2 from 11-3 with the viewing being first. It is at Mead Funeral Home in Barstow. Daddy and I were planning to go, and we still may, but there are other things that may make it not possible for us to go. I think if you email Mike, he would appreciate it. You just need to tell him how much you cared about Earl...kind of the same like you did when Dean passed away a year and a half ago.
    As for Matt, tell him Mom and Dad love him and are proud of him for working on quitting smoking. I know it's really hard and if he didn't have some emotional outbursts, I would be surprised. It's good, and encouraging to know that it's not as bad this time. Tell him not to give up, the better health is worth it in the long run.
    The Holidays are going to be difficult for us all. I so wish we could all be together,but, unfortunately that isn't going to be possible. I have struggled with this every year for many years, this year will be the worst, since you are there and Staci and the boys are in NY. Candi is here with us and I am grateful for that. I love all of you so much, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I guess we all just have to accept life for what it is, whether we like it or not. Hang in there Babe...<3