Depression & Acceptable Failure

I've had one of the worst days I've had in a long time. No, nothing horrible happened, everything is technically fine, but emotionally today was impossible to describe. I was in a terrible mood all morning, which I attributed to having overslept by about three hours. I moped around all morning, which is strange because it was one of those times when I could feel myself feeling low, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it. My stomach hurt a bit and I had no apatite except for being thirsty. Physically, I felt like crap. Emotionally, I just felt raw and exhausted.

Then Matt got up and turned off the movie I was watching, turning on the X-Box without asking me, and I totally lost it. Just to preface this, it's not irregular for him to get up and take over our shared space. He regularly turns on the video game and will watch Netflix on his computer (with his speakers, not a headset), even if I'm watching TV or listening to music on the computer. Without regard for what I'm doing, he just sort of takes over. Normally, I just turn off the music and let him have his way because it's often days he has to work and he'll only be home for a few hours in the afternoon. Today, I absolutely lost it. All of the little problems we've been having--and when I say small, I mean they're things we've discussed and worked through, and aren't that big of a deal, for the most part--came flooding to the surface in that one small, selfish, but not irregular act.

The tears came and they kept coming. I cried on and off all afternoon. Matt and I went to Wal-Mart, I cried on and off all the way there and all the way back, and while we were in Wal-Mart it took everything I had not to break down a few times. I also still felt like shit, totally and completely disconnected. I felt like I couldn't hold myself up and I was dizzy. When Matt found out I hadn't eaten all day and didn't actually plan to eat at all, he had a fit. He informed me he couldn't go to work unless I would eat, which I still think was a bit dramatic, then he took me to McDonalds and got me a burger and fries, and a diet coke.

And in that one carb-filled infusion, I completely blew my diet out of the water. Atkins is a diet that relies on staying in ketosis, which you can't do if you're scarfing carbs like a crazy person. But you know what, I feel like it's an acceptable failure. I feel like I have to choose between this diet and my mental health, which already isn't good. Given that choice, I think I have to chose my mental health, because this particular diet has me feeling both physically and mentally horrible. I'm drained and exhausted, and I feel ugly on the inside. My head space is completely compromised by this diet. So I'm going to eat carbs and try to lose the weight another way, without sacrificing my mental stability to do it. It's not worth it to be thin if it means being too depressed to enjoy it.

Right now, I'm just hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I really need it to be. I felt marginally better after I ate the burger and fries, but I still feel bad and I've still been crying all evening. As the evening gets later, the issue seems to be getting less serious. The tears are less frequent, but I'm tired and my head is killing me. So, I might just go to bed and hope that when I open my eyes tomorrow, that I'll feel okay. That I'll be less unstable and more companionable, because today was a terrible day for Matt, too. My depressive fit completely ruined the few hours he had before work, something I feel terrible about, even if I couldn't exactly help it. Tomorrow, he's off and we'll spend the day together. I think, and hope, that that'll help. Fingers crossed.

10 comments

  1. Oh no! What a terrible day!
    This diet does NOT work for you! Dietary changes can cause chemical changes in the brain. In your case, you have Bipolar Disorder, which is already indicative of a neurochemical imbalance. I think by eliminating an entire food group, your brain chemistry spazzed out and you triggered a depressive episode. :-(

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  2. Thank you Dr Silverstein!! =) As I was reading your post Kristyn, I was thinking that kind of thing, but didn't know how to explain it. Shannon, of course did great...I am so glad you are friends with her. I am also glad that you are NOT going to do the Atkins thing...it's not healthy for anyone anyway. When did you say your Dr appt is? Perhaps you should talk to her about this too....she maybe can give you something to help you feel better. I am thinking that when you are doing your classes this winter, will give you some structure and that will help too. Are you still considering getting a job? Don't over do it, but, I think that you are like I am, you need some kind of structure to be completely happy. I was thinking too that you don't like to clean your house...I mean who does ha! I also know that you don't like it messy and that bothers you too...I know this sounds like a new subject, but, actually what I am getting at is that a job might allow you to have someone come in and clean your house. I think this, in itself will help you to feel better! And honey....NO MORE weird diets!! Weight watchers is the best in my opinion, it's the most healthy. Love you!!! <3 Call me when you need to, I am always here <3

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  3. By the way.... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CALL YOURSELF A FAILURE!!!! You are certainly NOT A FAILURE!!! Look at all you have accomplished!!

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  4. I think so, too, Shannon. And, so did Matt who was on the outside of my messed up head, looking in. He takes pretty good care of me, so when he bought me a burger and fries I consider that an act of love. I'm feeling much more balanced today, with carbs back in my diet and I'm feeling like any diet that screws me up that much is probably not for me.

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  5. Thanks mom! I actually can't wait to go back to school and get some structure back into my life. And yes, I'm still going to be looking for work, but it's hard. And Matt's giving me a bit of a hard time about getting a job that pays "what I'm worth." In this economy, that's a tough thing, particularly when academia, who trains people with master's degrees values them so poorly that they pay adjuncts (with MAs) less than a living wage. It doesn't exactly inspire other industries to value us, either. So, I'm trying to find something local. I found a few jobs, but one's an 80 mi commute each way, the others a 60 mi commute each way, and the cost in gas would offset the purpose since each of them only pay about $14.50 - $15.50 per hour.

    Anyway, I've been trying to keep my house clean, and you're right I hate to clean it. I'm just not motivated to do it when it just gets messy again! Ha! Seems like an exercise in futility, which kind of pisses me off. It's a job that's never done and one we don't get paid for. And it seems like society expects that women will do the cleaning, which seems to be the case around my house and right now is fine because I don't have a job. On the upside, Matt never says anything about the house being a mess, he's one of those people who just doesn't make that a priority in his life. Amen!

    Oh, and I didn't mean I'm a failure. I just meant that doing Atkins was a failure for me, and one I'm willing to accept given how it made me feel... which was terrible!

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  6. I know that working as hard as you have for a degree would make it really hard not to make what you are worth...So in that sense I agree w/ Matt and in my eyes you are worth a ton. Unfortunately, in this economy, no one starts at the top anymore...which stinks when you have the credentials that you have. I think you should look for things that expect your level of education, but accepting something less...to begin with is not a bad thing. There is nothing at Tarleton that you could do...besides teach? I still think you would be great in the Financial aide office or maybe the office that assists new students and transfers. Those commutes on the other jobs would be beyond difficult! I know you live in a small town so it's hard to find something, I don't know what to tell you...maybe an agency could help. I don't want you to think I am trying to push you to work, if that isn't what you want to do...I am more interested in you having some structure so you feel better. I love you!! I know that you will do what best for you, because you are very intelligent and capable.

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  7. Oh yea, tell Matt that Daddy helps me around the house and I don't work either. I know that my situation is a little different since there are things I physically can't do now...But he has always helped me. It's good tho that he isn't the OCD type lol =)

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  8. The two jobs out of town, the ones I'd have to commute to, are financial aid officer jobs. If we lived closer to either of them, I'd apply for them in a minute. As is, I'm on the lookout for a job at Tarleton that I can do, but there's nothing that appeals so far. I'm watching, but yeah living in a small town makes finding a decent job really hard. I'm hoping that something will come up early in the year, but who knows?

    Yeah, my worth to Matt is quite high, too. He told me that there're no jobs that could pay me what I'm worth in his eyes, which is sweet. But, he doesn't want me to apply for those jobs out of town because of gas prices. He said the cost of gas would make it not worth it, which I agree with, and he wasn't terribly impressed with what they pay, either.

    Oh, and I Matt does help a little bit, he takes out the trash (once in a while). Otherwise, I do it all. I cook the meals (when they get cooked) and clean the house (when it gets cleaned). So you're right, it's good he's not the OCD type. He's be screwed!!

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  9. Haha, you're welcome Cheryl! I still get amused when I see "Dr. Silverstein"...maybe I will get used to it some day!

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  10. Dr. Silverstein, it has a nice ring to it! :D

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