Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Depression & Acceptable Failure

I've had one of the worst days I've had in a long time. No, nothing horrible happened, everything is technically fine, but emotionally today was impossible to describe. I was in a terrible mood all morning, which I attributed to having overslept by about three hours. I moped around all morning, which is strange because it was one of those times when I could feel myself feeling low, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it. My stomach hurt a bit and I had no apatite except for being thirsty. Physically, I felt like crap. Emotionally, I just felt raw and exhausted.

Then Matt got up and turned off the movie I was watching, turning on the X-Box without asking me, and I totally lost it. Just to preface this, it's not irregular for him to get up and take over our shared space. He regularly turns on the video game and will watch Netflix on his computer (with his speakers, not a headset), even if I'm watching TV or listening to music on the computer. Without regard for what I'm doing, he just sort of takes over. Normally, I just turn off the music and let him have his way because it's often days he has to work and he'll only be home for a few hours in the afternoon. Today, I absolutely lost it. All of the little problems we've been having--and when I say small, I mean they're things we've discussed and worked through, and aren't that big of a deal, for the most part--came flooding to the surface in that one small, selfish, but not irregular act.

The tears came and they kept coming. I cried on and off all afternoon. Matt and I went to Wal-Mart, I cried on and off all the way there and all the way back, and while we were in Wal-Mart it took everything I had not to break down a few times. I also still felt like shit, totally and completely disconnected. I felt like I couldn't hold myself up and I was dizzy. When Matt found out I hadn't eaten all day and didn't actually plan to eat at all, he had a fit. He informed me he couldn't go to work unless I would eat, which I still think was a bit dramatic, then he took me to McDonalds and got me a burger and fries, and a diet coke.

And in that one carb-filled infusion, I completely blew my diet out of the water. Atkins is a diet that relies on staying in ketosis, which you can't do if you're scarfing carbs like a crazy person. But you know what, I feel like it's an acceptable failure. I feel like I have to choose between this diet and my mental health, which already isn't good. Given that choice, I think I have to chose my mental health, because this particular diet has me feeling both physically and mentally horrible. I'm drained and exhausted, and I feel ugly on the inside. My head space is completely compromised by this diet. So I'm going to eat carbs and try to lose the weight another way, without sacrificing my mental stability to do it. It's not worth it to be thin if it means being too depressed to enjoy it.

Right now, I'm just hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I really need it to be. I felt marginally better after I ate the burger and fries, but I still feel bad and I've still been crying all evening. As the evening gets later, the issue seems to be getting less serious. The tears are less frequent, but I'm tired and my head is killing me. So, I might just go to bed and hope that when I open my eyes tomorrow, that I'll feel okay. That I'll be less unstable and more companionable, because today was a terrible day for Matt, too. My depressive fit completely ruined the few hours he had before work, something I feel terrible about, even if I couldn't exactly help it. Tomorrow, he's off and we'll spend the day together. I think, and hope, that that'll help. Fingers crossed.