Monday, January 7, 2013

Control, Acceptance, & Risk Taking

I was folding laundry tonight when, quite out of the blue, it occurred to me that it's a new year. Now that may seem like a duh moment, particularly since we're a week into said new year, but it was kind of huge for me. New years feel like a fresh start, to me. They always have. They feel like a time when it's okay to make goals and changes in your life. I suppose they do for everyone, right? That's what new year's resolutions are all about, after all. But, I feel it deeply. I have this issue where I get stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over. But not any more!!

Of late, my life has been a bit like Groundhog Day. You know, the movie where Bill Murray (bleh!) keeps re-living the same day, over and over? Yeah, while I'm talking much more figuratively than that, it's how I've been feeling. Every day it's the same exact thing. Since I'm not working, and because we only have one car, and because we're very much on Matt's schedule, I'm stuck. I'm telling you, every day it's the same exact thing. It is incredibly frustrating. But what's more frustrating is that I'm feeling like my life is out of my control. Every single aspect of my life is predictable and I can't seem to break the cycle.

I'm bored and I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm stuck in a repeating cycle of sameness and I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck feeling frumpy and I can't seem do anything about it. It's hard, but the year is new and maybe it's time for me to try. Bored I can try to rectify with a job, which I'm looking for. A job will also fix my repeating cycle of sameness (or at the very least exchange it for a new cycle of sameness). And frumpy, I think I can fix that, too.

This is where my laundry-borne revelation comes in. And follow me on this because while it starts out pretty shallow, just thinking about clothes, it becomes something much more. So, I've always dressed for comfort. In high school I wore jeans and tees. When I got older, I also tried to dress to flatter my figure. I've worn what I like and what I think looks good on me. Some of my clothes are awesome, some of them aren't, but now that it's a new year--and I'm planning to go shopping with Melanie next week--I'm thinking 2013 is the year for more risks. Maybe I'll buy a few things that I wouldn't normally wear. Maybe I'll buy skinny jeans (not likely, they're not flattering), maybe I'll wear more dresses or skirts. I don't know, but I need to do something.

But it has to be more than that. A lot of my clothes don't fit because in 2012 I lost weight. About 40 pounds, in all. I dropped two sizes. I need new clothes, but clothes aren't really the root of the problem. I've always struggled with my weight and I think, this year, in 2013, I'm going to take the biggest risk of all. I'm just going to try to accept myself for who I am. I'm not skinny. I'll never be skinny. I didn't lose 40 lbs because I was dieting or trying to lose it, I lost it because I cut sugary carbs out of my diet. That simple. And I'm healthy. I'm really healthy, at least physically. But it's not good for my mental health to feel horrible about my weight all the damn time. I've got one life and if I'm going to try to be happy, it has got to be in the body I have.

So this year, no talk about dieting. This blog is officially a no diet zone. See that, over there, on the side bar? Yeah, it's a no diet zone now, no diet talk here anymore. I'm not talking about losing weight, I'm not dieting, I'm not getting down on myself for being fat. Watch this, ready? Okay, here goes...

I accept myself.

And right now, at 3:30 a.m., I mean that with all of my heart. I mean it with everything I am. I really accept who I am, weight and all. It could be the tired talking. I could wake up in the morning and not feel this way, but I don't think so. This is my first step toward making a change in the new year and taking control of my life, at least a little bit. In 2013, I'm going to stop being a bitch to myself and give myself a break. I am who I am, I need to be okay with that. And if that means shopping for what I like, rather than what hides my figure, then I'm going to do it. If it means wearing colors (gasp!), then I'm going to do that too (though I already wear quite a bit of pink and orange). All this from folding laundry. Who'd have thought? ^.^