Hesitant, Hopeful

I am so tired. I'm not complaining, it's just a fact. I'm exhausted. I had an emotionally exhausting. . . weekend, really. I was going to say "day," but that doesn't quite cut it. I was so glad when Friday was here, but, thanks to an especially horrible weekend, at this point I'm just trying to look forward to the next deadline and take it one day at a time. Wednesday, at noon, when my research paper is due, is the next big thing up. After that I think I'll have room to breathe. It'll almost be spring break, though I get to spend much of my spring break grading papers, so that should be fun. No rest for the wicked, I suppose.

And I'm feeling incredibly low the last day or two, but rather than not being able to see the cause, I see it clearly for once. I took my first test in accounting on Saturday and I bombed it--I made a 63. I totally and completely bombed it and as a result my grade in that class is a 78.4. I'm making a C+, in a grad class, which is a failing grade. Matt and Melanie both passed it, but I didn't, and honestly I feel so, remarkably stupid at this point. How could I be making a C in a grad class? I'm completely at a loss, I'm terrible at accounting, and if I don't pass the class I've pretty much decided that I won't go forward with the program. I'm not taking this class again. Ever. If I don't pass, I'm done. Matt and Melanie can go on, I'm sure they'll do great. It's almost funny, you know, considering this was my idea to enroll in this program in the first place. God, I can be so stupid sometimes. Really, the highlight of my whole Saturday was the four and a half margarita's I drank at Chili's (they were small).

Then, I spent Sunday feeling like emotional crap, but I helped Matt study for his accounting test all day long. The whole day devoted to just that, and to replying to my student's who emailed me their paper topic, and by the time evening came I was brain fried. Seriously. My head was mush, which is when my sinuses started to close and I stopped being able to breathe. Matt had to take me to Wal-Mart for a bunch of meds and tissue so I could breathe again and I still went to bed stuffed up and feeling both miserable and sorry for myself. Particularly since Matt thought I was being mean to him, because I was running out of patience and I snapped at him, and he yelled "f*ck you!" at me--in his defense, I was being a bit mean. I was so shocked that I literally said nothing and we didn't talk the rest of the night, so on top of everything else, I fell asleep feeling really emotionally raw. It was not a good day. A wasted day, really, that ended really poorly.

Today, I woke up feeling stuffed up and emotional, but I still managed to get my organizational behavior homework done. At least I'm making an A in both my management and organizational behavior classes, that sort of makes me feel better, but if I fail accounting it won't mean a thing. Maybe I should have gone to library science school after all? If nothing else, no one to compete with there. Anyway, I also managed to get my student's mid-term grades into the system and answer some more student topic emails, so that was all good. Then we went out to lunch and got into a conversation about college standards and ended up getting into a bit of a disagreement, wherein I ended up sharing some things that're on my mind, like the fact that I don't feel like he takes my issues--particularly my agoraphobia--very seriously.

The main problem there is that I can't really go out and do things alone. I just end up having anxiety attacks and, often, going home. Even when I'm able to go in somewhere alone, it takes me a while to work up the courage--you should see me trying to go to the nail salon, I sit in the car for like 20 minutes talking myself into going in. I've never lost that battle yet. So lately I've been feeling like I can't get anyone to go do the things I want to do. Matt's always too tired and everyone else is too busy with their stuff, which I totally get. But if I could go to the movie or go bowling alone, I would. I would go alone and it wouldn't matter that everyone else is too freaking busy. But, I can't. So I'm dependent, which sucks for the aforementioned reasons.

So now it's 8:00 p.m. and I have a research paper due on Wednesday at noon, and I've not even started it yet. It's only supposed to be 8-10 pages long and it's over a topic that our professor laid out pretty clearly and thoroughly, so I'm not that worried, except that I have to work tomorrow, which means I really need to at least start it today. But, I'm running out of steam really fast. So here I am, procrastinating and bitching about my horrible weekend, rather than writing my paper. I'm sure once I get started it won't take me long, but it's the getting started that seems to be the main issue. So, maybe I'll go do that right now, or maybe I'll just watch TV, veg, and completely disregard how I'll feel tomorrow if I don't get this thing started tonight. Sounds like tomorrow's not going to be any better than today has been, which has been only marginally better than the weekend was. Ugh, I think I need another margarita.