Hesitant, Hopeful

“I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.” ― Flannery O'Connor

That pretty much sums up my week, so far. It's been a tough one, but I'm trying to pick myself up and soldier on, because the only other option is to give up, and that's no good. Besides, I'm not a quitter, even though it would be easier than the other options, particularly right now when my back is killing me and I've received bad news. I'm also having a pretty hard time figuring out how we got all the way to Wednesday without me noticing, but then I remember that the pain killers are to blame.

On Sunday, while cooing Chewbacca, I bent forward at a bad angle and strained my back. I wasn't even picking anything up and hadn't even bent all the way down, I was just a bit stooped when I felt something pull. After that, all there was was excruciating pain. Matt helped me to the sofa, where I promptly moaned that I didn't have time for a bad back, that I had a job interview in Sugar Land (outside Huston) on Tuesday. He just patted me on the leg and said I wasn't going to Sugar Land, that I couldn't even move, let alone drive 9 hours round trip.

On Monday, I could still hardly move so Matt took me to emergency. They poked, prodded, found out I have no reflexes, and said I'd strained it. They gave me a shot of morphine--which burns like crazy, by the way--and sent me home. The pain was still so bad that even the morphine didn't touch it. Instead, the drugs made me ambivalent to the pain, which I suppose is the next best thing. They prescribed Flexeril (muscle relaxer) and Norco (Vicodin & Tylenol), which I promptly took when Matt came home with them. All that and I still hurt.

Then, yesterday, while laying on the sofa in pain, again lamenting my missed opportunity in Sugar Land, I got an email from Epic that said they had chosen a different candidate and two from other places I'd applied notifying me that I wasn't a fit for their positions. Three rejections and one missed interview is a lot of bad news for one day. Particularly  for as much pain as I was in. I tried, really hard, not to feel sorry for myself. Rather, I applied for more jobs.

Today, I'm still in a fairly substantial amount of pain. I hurt more than I did yesterday, actually, but I've taken my meds which I'm hoping will take the edge off. I'm also up and trying to move around. I can walk and sit, and stand, and the doctor said that I should be fine by next week. I've filled my time with applying for more jobs. Whatever I'm feeling, that always makes me feel like I'm trying to be proactive and take control of my future.

And I am. I know I am. I'm just no good at waiting for the right position to come through. Patience is not my greatest virtue. Neither is dealing with pain, but I'm managing. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.