Sunday, August 25, 2013

Emotion & Motivation

I've been struggling a little bit lately and I'm not really sure why. Matt and I are happy together, in fact, we're getting along remarkably well. We can pay our bills, we go out and do things together from time to time. There's nothing in my life that should make me feel, emotionally, like I'm sinking. But I do. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. At all. Like, at all. Ever.

If I could just lay on the sofa and read books, and do nothing else, I would. My house is a HUGE disaster. This isn't an understatement. My bathrooms are dirty and so are all of my dishes... and I have a LOT of dishes. The carpet needs to be vacuumed and shampooed, my floors need to be mopped. I probably have 15 loads of laundry to do. The trash needs to go to the dumpster. But I can't seem to do any of it.

The best I've done is to pick up the living room. That's it. My living room is tiny, but I got it mostly picked up. After that, I resumed my position on the sofa and went back to reading. In all, I've read 15 books in the last 3 weeks since coming back home from CA. I couldn't even bring myself to write anything, blog or otherwise.

I suppose it would help if I took my fluoxetine, but I just don't want to. It makes me feel okay, I feel a little bit better when I take it, but the side effects are a bigger problem for me than the problems from not taking them. I'm thinking it's time to talk to my doctor about taking something else. The fluoxetine isn't doing the job anymore. But, I'm procrastinating about making an appointment because she's going to be upset with me about my weight.

But, I'm also trying to do something about my malaise. I think I might try to start getting some exercise. Nothing huge, but maybe go out and walk with my friend. I'm trying to get back into blogging. I'm working out the plotting for a new novel project (I've just about given up on the 50k + words I've written on Love's Daughter), which is why there's a tracker on the sidebar--even though it's empty right now. I'm trying to get my sleep under control. Trying to shower and dress every day, even put on a little bit of make-up. I'm painting my nails (which seems small but makes me feel good).

Oh, and I'm going to try to eat less sugar because I've gained a lot of weight this year. I've even gained another 10 lbs since coming home from CA. Being at my heaviest weight ever isn't helping my emotional state, but I'm a compulsive emotional eater. The very thing that's making me feel worse is how I cope with feeling bad. Work that one out. Clearly, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I just hope that trying to make the efforts to do something about my current emotional state will make a difference. I can't keep doing nothing and I certainly can't keep feeling completely unmotivated to live my life. I'm 35 years old, I should be enjoying my life, not wasting my life on the sofa, stuffing cupcakes in my mouth. I mean, really.

Wish me luck getting my shit together and getting out of this funk. I'm so ready to feel better.