Emotion & Motivation

I've been struggling a little bit lately and I'm not really sure why. Matt and I are happy together, in fact, we're getting along remarkably well. We can pay our bills, we go out and do things together from time to time. There's nothing in my life that should make me feel, emotionally, like I'm sinking. But I do. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. At all. Like, at all. Ever.

If I could just lay on the sofa and read books, and do nothing else, I would. My house is a HUGE disaster. This isn't an understatement. My bathrooms are dirty and so are all of my dishes... and I have a LOT of dishes. The carpet needs to be vacuumed and shampooed, my floors need to be mopped. I probably have 15 loads of laundry to do. The trash needs to go to the dumpster. But I can't seem to do any of it.

The best I've done is to pick up the living room. That's it. My living room is tiny, but I got it mostly picked up. After that, I resumed my position on the sofa and went back to reading. In all, I've read 15 books in the last 3 weeks since coming back home from CA. I couldn't even bring myself to write anything, blog or otherwise.

I suppose it would help if I took my fluoxetine, but I just don't want to. It makes me feel okay, I feel a little bit better when I take it, but the side effects are a bigger problem for me than the problems from not taking them. I'm thinking it's time to talk to my doctor about taking something else. The fluoxetine isn't doing the job anymore. But, I'm procrastinating about making an appointment because she's going to be upset with me about my weight.

But, I'm also trying to do something about my malaise. I think I might try to start getting some exercise. Nothing huge, but maybe go out and walk with my friend. I'm trying to get back into blogging. I'm working out the plotting for a new novel project (I've just about given up on the 50k + words I've written on Love's Daughter), which is why there's a tracker on the sidebar--even though it's empty right now. I'm trying to get my sleep under control. Trying to shower and dress every day, even put on a little bit of make-up. I'm painting my nails (which seems small but makes me feel good).

Oh, and I'm going to try to eat less sugar because I've gained a lot of weight this year. I've even gained another 10 lbs since coming home from CA. Being at my heaviest weight ever isn't helping my emotional state, but I'm a compulsive emotional eater. The very thing that's making me feel worse is how I cope with feeling bad. Work that one out. Clearly, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I just hope that trying to make the efforts to do something about my current emotional state will make a difference. I can't keep doing nothing and I certainly can't keep feeling completely unmotivated to live my life. I'm 35 years old, I should be enjoying my life, not wasting my life on the sofa, stuffing cupcakes in my mouth. I mean, really.

Wish me luck getting my shit together and getting out of this funk. I'm so ready to feel better.

6 comments

  1. Kristyn, you've got me all worried. :-( All the symptoms you listed sound like a Major Depressive episode. Aside from the medication, have you though about going to a therapist once a week for additional support? I'm glad you are coming up with little things that will help. I hope you feel a lot better SOON.

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  2. I really appreciate your concern, Shannon. I get like this sometimes and I've thought, off and on, that I should see a therapist, but I don't quite know how to chose one. So, I'm going to go to my doctor and see if she can adjust my meds, then ask her opinion on choosing someone to see.

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  3. Okay, sounds like you have a good plan. :-)

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  4. How come you're scrapping Love's Daughter? After reaching the 55K mark on my DoT MS yesterday, the thought of throwing it all out is horrifying. Can't wait to hear about your new novel idea though!

    I just love how HONEST you are with the way you feel. I tend to avoid blogging completely if I'm feeling down. I wish I could write about it the way you do--I bet laying it all out on the table like that helps. Glad you're feeling better now (or, at least it sounds like you do based on your more recent entries).

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  5. Thanks, Jodi. I kind of feel like this is the place I should be honest. There are things I don't talk about, namely relating to Matt, but I try to do my best to put myself out there. Personal blogging about personal stuff and all that.

    I was feeling a tiny bit better, but still feeling lower than I know it's right to feel. The last few days have been absolutely atrocious. I've been feeling, if anything, worse than before. I'm still completely unmotivated to do anything, I feel terrible all the time, but I'm also still trying to do something about it.

    Oh, about Love's Daughter. I'm feeling like it's just not going anywhere. I probably will try to finish it and fix those things that don't work in re-writes/edits. I don't know. For now, I need something else to work on since LD is so depressing. :)

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  6. Sorry that Love's Daughter isn't leading anywhere. :-( But I don't think any writing is a waste. I've had to scrap so much of my MS that didn't jive with future scenes, and one time I even had to scrap an entire chapter (22 pages!). The point is, I never regretted writing those scenes. The bridge to a good story is paved with lots of crumpled-up wads of paper. Hopefully you still see the value in writing LD, even if doesn't end up being your masterpiece.

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