Hesitant, Hopeful

I took this picture along the route where Melanie and I walk. Well, Matt was with me that day, but still. These little wildflowers grow up along a broken fence near the .7 mile marker. They're quite pretty, I think.


Okay, maybe I should come clean. The picture is my attempt at a distraction from what I'm about to say. Maybe, looking at the pretty pink flowers, you'll be more understanding when I confess that I didn't go to counseling. Did it work?

I cancelled my appointment the morning I was supposed to go, on Monday. I'd been thinking about it all weekend, I wasn't feeling well, and it occurred to me I was about to have to pay out of pocket for the whole appointment because my deductible hasn't been met yet. I've been feeling better, which might (does?) sound like a cop out, but I can't justify paying $120 out of pocket for counseling, when I feel okay. Besides, I can't really afford it right now.

I think, at least partially, I'm feeling better because the fluoxetine is out of my system. You're not supposed to quit that stuff cold turkey, but I did. As a result, I was really unstable for a long time. But, gradually, as I do things to make myself feel better... I, well, feel better. I'm writing again, sleeping better (or at least, trying to get my sleep under control), and am getting both more sunlight and more exercise. I'm also getting my house cleaned up, slowly, which is helping a little bit. I'm also reading slightly less than I was, that is to say I'm not reading a book a night, which seems to be a good thing since I can't bury myself in fiction and forget about the real world quite so easily.

I suppose we'll see whether cancelling the appointment was a good idea, or a bad one, but it can't be undone right now. So, I'm hoping that it turns out okay and that I keep leveled out as long as I can introduce some structure into my routine. That always seems to help. :)