Hesitant, Hopeful

Have you ever heard something that, at the time, didn't bother you but later gnawed and gnawed at you? That's what I'm going through right now and, really, it's irrational. This morning, I was feeling particularly sensitive about it, so I talked with Matt and though he tried to straighten it out  it's still bothering me. And it's making me feel absolutely horrible about myself.

So, last week, when we were on our way to DFW we were talking about some people that he knows, but that I don't. He was telling me about this girl he knows, and how many of his guy friends seem interested in her. It's a pretty common topic because, for whatever reason, hearing about this girl's drama interests me. Maybe because I don't get out much or know many people. But, he left out, as he always seems to, another girl who, I think, is much better looking. He never talks about how anyone is trying to hook up with the other girl. So, I asked him why. Here's what he said:

"It's because she's, um, heavy."

Okay, at the time I didn't think anything of that remark. I took it at face value. I was feeling particularly okay that day, we were together and getting out of the house, which always brightens my mood. Besides, it made sense to me in a sort of misogynistic kind of way. The idea that fat girls don't get the guys isn't all that foreign to me.

But this morning, I ran across some pictures of said "fat girl" on Facebook. First of all, she is not fat. She's healthy. She's also absolutely gorgeous--an issue all it's own because after Matt met her, I asked him (sort of idly) if she was good looking and he lied to me. He said she was, "eh, okay," then promptly changed the subject. Of course, I realize that he probably skirted the truth about it because I have a tendency to be an irrationally jealous bitch sometimes, but the fact that he lied doesn't set well. And, later, he admitted that she's more than just "eh, okay," but that her attitude is crappy and she's not particularly capable which makes her less attractive. Still a pretty weak explanation, but whatever.

Anyway, seeing this gorgeous girl and remembering that my husband said she was fat made me quite upset. The fact that I've been pretty low for quite a while now didn't help anything either. Mostly because, well, this girl is much, much, much thinner than I am--and much better looking, too. So if my husband thinks this girl is fat, what must he think of me? The fact that, well, I am fat--and getting heavier, I might add, because I can't stop compulsively eating--did nothing to help matters. So when he came in I asked him about it. He said that he, himself, doesn't think she's fat, but that the guy who is recently hitting on the first girl isn't interested in the gorgeous girl because he thinks she's fat.

And thinking back on the conversation, in the context in which Matt said this girl was fat, his explanation makes sense. But here's where it gets most irrational, I just realized. I can't both be upset because I think my husband thinks this really good looking girl is fat/ugly, and be upset because he lied to me about how good looking she is. It's either that he thinks she's unattractive because she's fat--and let me just say Matt has never been one to think heavier girls are unattractive--or he doesn't think she's fat. It turns out, it's the second. He told me he doesn't think she's fat at all... but he still thinks she's pretty irritatingly incapable.

I just wish, now that I've pretty much accepted his explanation, that I could get the issue out of my head. Clearly, I have a complex and maybe I'm just deflecting, or trying to find some way to justify why I might think my husband's not so much into me--even though he's never been anything but complementary and our sex-life is still amazing after 14 years together (TMI? Sorry). I don't know, hopefully the feelings will pass and soon. Otherwise, it's liable to make me crazier than I already am. As if that were even remotely possible.