Hesitant, Hopeful

In honor of Matt's favorite horror movie series of all time...


Have a safe and happy Halloween, and eat lots of candy for me!!

I'm pretty excited this year. I'm ready, I have a working manuscript (which is technically cheating) and I've done a good bit of planning. I'll have those 50,000 words in November if it kills me!

Okay, that might have been an exaggeration, I've never known writing to kill anyone... unless you count Hemingway, I guess, but technically it wasn't writing that did him in.

Anywho, what was I saying? Oh yeah, NaNoWriMo starts in two days. Yesterday, during writing group with Melanie, I took my iPad and my trusty stylus and got down to planning. I didn't technically write any words toward my manuscript, but I did get a whole lot of pages of planning in and jotted down some things I need to think about, too.

And, rather than killing trees for my note taking, I used my iPad. Helps me keep things organized. I was going to share a page, but then you'd see all my notes. Bah.

Anyway, every year I try to hunt around for new tech and tools that will make the process less hectic.This year, quite by accident, I found an app called Penultimate for my iPad. If you have an iPad, get it. It's awesome. Basically, it allows me to take notes directly on my iPad, in my own handwriting, in multiple colors and with lots of different types of "paper," and best of all the notes I take sync up to Evernote. This allows me to see them anywhere I have access to Evernote. Since I have Evernote on my desktop, MacBook, iPhone, and even my iPad, I can see my planning wherever I happen to be working. Oh, and even if I didn't have Evernote everywhere, I could still see it on the web.

Granted, I can't alter my notes on Evernote, they're read only. But, I can definitely see them. Also, if I update them on Penultimate, they update when Penultimate syncs. So, I have a constant stream of notes. Since I've been using iCloud to write my manuscript (Pages on iCloud to be more specific), It's easier for me to keep up with everything.

Oh, and I can send them to dropbox, too, because Penultimate syncs with dropbox. That way, I have a back-up. I've also started using a service that allows me to email my documents to dropbox, which I do from Pages in iCloud so that I have extra back-ups.

Technology makes me happy. I also worry constantly that I'll lose my work, but since I have so many back-ups, I worry about it less. So yeah, technology makes me happy.

So, with a fair amount of planning behind me (I stopped short of planning everything out because I don't color inside the lines well), I'm looking forward to getting started. I won't count my current word count and will be putting another bar on the sidebar to show what part of my progress is NaNo-specific. I'm not sure if Matt will work on it this year, too, he says he doesn't have any ideas which is absolutely absurd. The man is bursting with good ideas. But, he also works full-time and goes to graduate school. So, time is definitely not on his side.

Either way, I'm going for it. Wish me luck!

Oh, procrastination...

Remember when I used to play World of Warcraft? Yeah, I quit a while back and every time I think about going back my visceral reaction is "Nah." I can't even summon up enough energy to think about why I should, or shouldn't. I just think of it, my brain clicks over to no-mode, and I move on. But now I have a new video game addiction and, lately, it seems like all I want to do is play hidden object games. You know, those little games you buy at Wal-Mart or Hastings 3 for $9.99? Yeah, those, except when I played all the ones I had in my possession, I started buying them online at sites like Legacy Games and BigFish--mostly the latter.

Day before yesterday--because yesterday I felt like I might die of a migraine--I played them all day long. ALL DAY. They only take between two and a half and four hours to complete in easy mode (much more in harder modes, I'd imagine). I completed four different games, then I went hunting for more like a crazy crack addict looking for a fix. And when I found them, I downloaded them. Okay, not all of them because there are dozens and dozens available.

But, I also learned something. These games come in series and stand alone. They have pretty good story lines, particularly the ones that're based on books--like the Fiction Fixers series, where you go into a story and stop the evil "illiterati" from ruining the story, or the series based on the stores of Edgar Allen Poe or Agatha Christie. Oh, and the cute romance hidden object game from Harlequin, too. They have nice graphics, in some cases amazing graphics, and I feel like they work my brain since they're problem solving.

I also signed up for the BigFish Game Club which allows me to buy games at a discount and which give me free games when I fill my punch card (by buying games, of course). After the free month, I'll probably pay the nominal fee to keep doing so. But now I have to go and see if the ones I got this morning are still downloading or if they're playable. ;)

PS. If I keep this up, keep downloading and playing them at this pace, I'm going to need an intervention. Seriously and soon.

I recently read a childless/childfree-bashing article on a mommy blog. I won't share the name of the blog because I don't really believe  it's this one blog that's the problem. Instead, I think everyone, on both sides, who take part in this sort of rhetoric are the problem. The post, which said in no uncertain terms that childfree people are frivolous and ridiculous and that parents don't really want anything to do with us, only promotes the sort of poo-flinging that happens between those with children and the childless/free.

What I'm starting to wonder is, why?

I've had my fair share of moments when I wanted nothing more than to move to some sort of childfree commune where I could live without parents. Note, I said parents, not children. I'm really starting to think I like parents less than I like their offspring and it's because of this very thing. Kids are unbiased. They've not yet formed the capacity for critical bigotry. It's not the kids who're saying people without kids are heartless, soulless, selfish, less than human-beings. It's parents.

And, to be completely fair, childfree people are often no better. We provoke them, we talk about their children in the meanest possible terms, and we expect them to shut up and take it. I get how they could be less than pleased with the prospect of quietly accepting such criticism. Those human beings, whom some childfree people so cruelly call names like "sproglodyte," are a part of them, they lived inside their mothers for almost a year. I wouldn't want people talking about my children like that, if I had children, that is. So we're at fault too. Children are a part of society, it's something we should come to terms with and accept. Even when we don't like to listen to them screaming and crying.

What I really want, though, is for everyone to shut up and mind their own business. I'm exhausted with the effort to keep up. I'm exhausted with all the whiny crap from both sides. I'm exhausted with the negative, and often wrong, perceptions on either side. I'm tired of hearing parents saying things like "you can't really know love until you have children," which is hurtful and wrong. I'm tired of hearing childfree people brag about how much they have--money, free-time, etc.--and how much they think their friends/family with children are mombie breeders with no lives. It's ridiculous.

Try to understand that LIFE IS NOT A COMPETITION.

So, please try to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

Try it, really. For one day, lets try not judging someone else for their life choices. Try considering that people who chose not to have children are trying to be responsible about their life choices. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Try considering that people who have children have every right to build their families however they see fit as long as no one is getting hurt. Try considering that children are a reality and aren't going anywhere any time soon. Try, just for a moment, not to put your fingers on the keyboard, where we feel like we're protected enough to say things we would never, ever say in real life. Don't bash other people's life choices.

Seriously. Because, really, bashing people for having kids while whining about how they don't have a right to bash your decision not to, it's a double standard. Just like bashing people who don't have kids while complaining that they bash you, yeah, double standard.

Lets try, instead, to remember that every single person has free will, whether you believe they got that self-determination from God or not. The decision about what to do with your body, or in the case of men bodily fluid, is entirely yours. Treating someone like shit because they chose to use their womb is just as bad as being treated like shit for choosing not to use yours.

And, just for a minute, let's remember that this fits neatly into the body politic issue on both sides. No one has a right to tell another person what to do with their body, including using them to have kids they don't want. Or, using it to have lots of kids they'll love. That is absolutely no one else's business.

So, let's just try to stop being judgmental pricks to one another. Just for a little while, let's see how it goes. Okay?

One of my college professors is friends with Nathan Brown, the poet laureate of Oklahoma. So, the two got together and planned out a writers workshop to be held while he was passing through town. That's where I was last night. For a completely nominal fee, I was able to learn from someone both interesting and accomplished as a writer. Which is exactly what happened, for two or so hours I was able to take away bits of information that will make my writing better.

Most of the workshop revolved around how to never be caught without something to write about. His suggestions involved making lists of, well, just about everything under the sun and expanding upon them, pretty much forever. If you have piles and piles of information stashed away, it's nearly impossible to say you have nothing to say. That was the crux of the thing. Since he's a poet and song writer, the list ideas were mostly aimed at making better poets, but every single list idea he gave (some more conventional than others) could be applied equally to fleshing out and understanding fictional characters.

But he also said some other things that really reverberated with me. Things like suggesting that writers who want to write for an audience should think about that audience, while writers who're "writing for themselves" should keep it to themselves.

You wouldn't think that would be mind-altering for me, but it was. I actually teach my students to be aware of audience when they're composing papers, but I, myself, rarely take into account audience when writing fiction. It's the same thing though, right? When academics are writing and publishing papers--this includes students--they must consider their audience in their argument, otherwise, they have no argument that will influence anyone. The same seems to be true for fiction.

Don't get me wrong. Of course I'm aware of who my audience is--other women, like me. But I rarely think of that audience when I'm putting down words. The same is true for blogging, but with blogging I don't actually aim for any particular audience. I just write what's on my mind. I only worry that if I think about my audience too much, or too hard, I'm going to cripple my ability to get the story out. But, it's a balance, I suppose. No one said it was easy.

He also talked about how he thinks the best books are pieced together and suggested that writers of long fiction should take their work in snapshots, rather than trying to tackle the whole thing. Long fiction can be (read: is) overwhelming. It's sometimes difficult to keep all of those balls in the air, spinning around, without dropping any. The snapshot approach, which always makes me think of Jane Austen who is said to have written miniature situational portraits of her era, is a way to make all that juggling approachable. He said that much of the best literature isn't written outright, but knitted together from those snapshots.

After the workshop, the restaurant where it was held brought in snacks--cheese cubes, delicious fresh fruit, loaded potato skins, mozzarella sticks, poppers and breaded baked mushrooms. They refilled the water and tea, and there was a sort of reception. Everyone was charged and feeling inspired by the workshop, chatting about their ideas, what they got out it, and the like. I had a really good time and it felt good to get out and take part in a workshop with other people in the community who write--some of whom were my professors when I was in college.

It was, all in all, a really well-spent night. They're planning, at some point, to do it again and I'm really looking forward to it. Oh, and I meant to get some pictures to share, but my phone was off the whole night--wouldn't want to be that student. So, there're no pictures. It was a modest gathering of really interesting people, though, and I'll definitely have to make a priority of getting some pictures next time.

Now, though, I think I'm going to work on my novel. I have a few new ideas. ;)

...because my life could use some changes. Serious changes! I want to live a long time and be healthy (and comfortable) in my skin. So, I'm doing something to help myself reach those goals. I wrote a few weeks ago about having lost the first 2 lbs and what that mean for me. I said the move toward a healthier life was prompted by something pretty mind shattering (the scale can be such a bitch sometimes!). That two pounds are now eight. I've lost eight pounds so far and I've done it with the help of my gadgets.

The hubs always teases me and gives me a hard time for checking my gadgets so much. Well, he can bite me. Those gadgets are what's helping me to stay motivated and accountable to myself. Technology is, rather than that thing that promotes an unhealthy lifestyle, my constant helper as I learn to make better food choices and change my relationship with eating.

Here're just a few bits of tech that're making my journey a whole lot better (notice I didn't say easier!):

1) SparkPeople: It's such a great web community. SparkPeople makes it possible for me to track my food and nutrition, watch workout videos and demonstrations, get health advice and articles, and has an amazing supportive community. A must for me to plan and track meals, and their site is fun!

2) FitBit: Very cool little gadget. FitBit can track your steps and tell you how many (approximate) calories you've burned. It can also track your sleep and help you see how much sleep you're really getting. Now a days, the only thing I've been using FitBit for is that last little bit, to track my sleep, because sleep is really important. But after a while, I stopped using it because it was one more thing I had to track. It also links up with SparkPeople, which makes using my FitBit easier because it'll report directly to SparkPeople so I don't have to use FitBit's less than user-friendly website. Awesome!

3) RunKeeper: When Melanie and I started walking, I began using the RunKeeper app on my phone. It's a simple app that tracks how far we've walked, how long it took us, our pace, elevation climbed, and how many calories burned (approximate). It relies on GPS to track the distance, but it's a really neat tool that helps me to stay motivated on walks and is great for gauging progress. So far, I've just got RK basic, but my planned reward for losing 15 lbs is to spend the $20/yr and buy the upgrade to RK Elite. The only thing I don't like about it is that it doesn't link up to SparkPeople.

4) SparkPeople Activity Tracker: Admittedly, this little guy is a whole lot like FitBit with slightly fewer functions. I bought it anyway. It's a little bigger than a quarter and tracks a lot of exercises, including running, walking, cycling, and daily activity (and a few others I can't quite come up with at the moment). What makes it attractive and handy is that it links directly to SparkPeople. Rather than having to use a third party application or gadget to track and report, I can just use my SparkPeople Activity Tracker. I absolutely love how simple it is. Oh, and it's very durable. Chewbacca chewed mine up and it still works!! It's not as pretty, but it does the job.

5) GPS for the Soul: A free app that helps me stay in tune with myself. It's clearly not an exercise type thing like the others, but this app is really neat. It reminds you to check in with yourself daily. When you do, it scans your heart rate using your phone's camera and tells you whether you're balanced or stressed, or somewhere in between. From there there's a breathing pacer and guides. Each guide has some positive activity or bit of information/advice such as breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, and nature. It's a pretty easy way to take a few minutes out for yourself each day and do something for your peace of mind.

There're a few other apps, sites, and gadgets I really like that help me to stay focused, track and see progress, and to connect, but these are the ones I use/like the most. These are the ones that are helping me to remember what I'm doing and why, even when I feel unmotivated by naysayers (see: Fat Shaming Week). These are the ones that will be with me as I reach and maintain my goals! :)

I learned today, on Instagram of all places, that some "manosphere" men's rights jerks decided that last week would be "Fat Shaming Week." They took to posting horrible articles on their blogs with titles like "Why Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love" and "5 Reasons Fat People are Evil." Originally, I was going to share the name of the blog that started it all, but I'd rather not liter my blog with that trash. The worst part was that they aimed it all at women. Shaming fat women for having even a shred of self-esteem, calling the body positive and fat positive movements self-entitlement.

No wait, the absolute worst part was that some women post comments on their drivel and actually AGREE with them! Some women post comments about how they work to stay in shape and shouldn't have to share a gender with women who don't. It's sick. I mean, seriously, what is wrong with them? So much for sisterhood and all that crap!

And it's really hard to stay positive and make positive changes after reading things like that. It's like they hate you (without even knowing you) if you happen to be a) a woman, b) fat, c) a woman trying to do something about being fat, d) a woman (did I say that already?). What I don't understand is why. Why do they think they have the right to spew hatred at people who're minding their own business, living their own lives, doing absolutely nothing to harm them? If they don't like fat people, which is ridiculous, then they should just not befriend any.

But they say things like, "I'm out at a restaurant and have to suffer sharing the same space with fatties who're spilling out of their chairs," then go on to describe how that really ruins their appetites. Why should it? Why not just, oh, I don't know, not look at them. Why take the extra steps to actually be disgusted by them? Who does that really hurt?

It makes me wonder if these guys--and the sick in the head women who actually agree with them--realize that this is bigotry. They justify it by saying women are entitled feminazis who bring it upon themselves, but do they realize that justification is weak and wrong? Do they even care? Do they stop to think for one minute how painful it is to be fat? How utterly humiliating it is? Or are they just thinking about how fatties cost more in medical care and how we're a hazard to the beauty of public spaces? Doesn't help that the fucking government has decided being fat (not the health issues associated with being fat) is an actual disease.

It makes me hope that one day karma will come back to bite them in the ass. They deserve it for even thinking the things they're willing to say on the internet, but are too weak to say to a person's face. Do you think they go around talking to people like that? Of course not, but the simple fact that they think it really disturbs me. How many people in a day do I cross paths with that judge me for my size?

I only hope that these jerks are in the minority and that people, in general, are better than that. Unfortunately, I don't believe that. I don't think people are generally good. I think people are judgmental by nature. I'm just thankful that most people can keep their judgments inside. That most of us have an internal mechanism that leads us to understand it's wrong to make such judgments, even though we probably already have.

Tomorrow is his birthday. If I told you how old he'll be, he'd have me tarred and feathered. So, my lips are sealed.


He is looking good, though! This was taken on the 8th, he swung by Melanie's after being out and about so that I could see him all dressed up. I laid out his clothes, so I knew what he was wearing, but I certainly wasn't expecting that naked face!

Actually, he shaved his facial hair a few weeks ago and I sorta, kinda got mad at him, which I felt bad about later and had to apologize for having a fit (I totally lost it!). In my defense, he throws a fit about my haircuts. Anyway, he was growing it back, at my request, but he thinks this look is more professional. So, he shaved it again. Doesn't help that the guys at work tell him it makes him look younger. Bah!

Who worries about looking younger when they're only just approaching 36...er... I mean... 21 (again!!). Ha!

Happy birthday, honey!! I love you!!

It's that time again... I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year, are you?

Last year, thanks to grad school, I wasn't able to really participate. I tried. I really, really tried. But, thesis writing had destroyed me. After graduating in August, I had nothing left in November. The year before that, I couldn't participate because I was actually in grad school and working on my thesis and every word I put down that wasn't directly related to my thesis made me feel guilty. As though all my brainpower should be devoted to the singular purpose of finishing that academic exercise that, in fact, resulted in a book--all 128 pages of it.

When put like that, I don't feel quite so bad about skipping 2011 NaNoWriMo. I have no excises for 2012 except that I just... couldn't.

This year, not only can I, I am! But, for the first time, I'm also playing the "NaNoRebel." They actually have a whole forum for that on NaNoWriMo's website, no kidding. Anyway, I'm going to work on my still unnamed WIP rather than starting anything new. I'm making really good progress, my writing sessions have been productive and meaningful. I don't want to lose that, so I'm holding onto it with both hands.

I still plan to write 50,000 words in November. But, those words will be devoted to my current project, rather than a new one. And, in the spirit of NaNoWriMo, I thought I'd share a rough synopsis...


And yes, I know, I said no names, covers, or synopsis/blurbs, but clearly I lied. Remember, this is a really, really rough sketch of what I'm currently planning, but there it is, in black and white, all 135 words of it. Hopefully it doesn't give too much away. I'm terrible at figuring out how much information is too much. But either way, there it is.

So if you plan to do NaNoWriMo, what will you write about? Do you plan to be a NaNoRebel, like me, this year or will you play by the rules? I'd love to hear about it.

If you're planning to give it a try, I hope you'll add me as a friend/buddy so we can keep up with one another's progress: http://nanowrimo.org/participants/kristynmarie

It was 47 degrees here this morning when I went walking with Melanie. I'm hoping that means the autumn is here, but the rest of the people are in my life are skeptical. I can't say I blame them. The weather bounces around so much here,  like my moods and mental condition--sometimes unbearably warm, others cold and unyielding. Bi-polar weather.


Isn't sunrise here beautiful? I love this time of the morning, when everyone else is sleeping and the day is still. It feel like it does me good to get out and get some fresh air, and I read that exercise can do as much good for mental stability as taking anti-depressants. I'm thinking there's some wisdom in that, particularly since exercise is actually making me feel better--that and the beautiful morning views. And it's helping me write. And, best of all, there's no crazy side effects. Can't beat that.

So, I've finally gotten around to watching The Vampire Diaries season premier. Early on, Elena is asking Damon how they'll make a long-distance relationship work and kissing him goodbye on her way to college. For whatever reason, it reminded me that there are people who think Elena is a co-dependent weakling. Not something I agree with, I've always liked her and thought she was reasonably strong considering all of the people in her life are vampires who're more powerful than she is (at least until she is, too). As a writer, though, this brings up certain issues for me. Particularly since I spent the whole process of thesis writing examining this exact problem.

That is, the issue of strength in heroines. Particularly Gothic, romantic and postmodern heroines. Elena is definitely a postmodern Gothic heroine. Like Bella and Sookie and Buffy, except she's more likable than any of them. As a writer, the issue now becomes how to balance strength with humanity. If a heroine cries, for example, is she automatically labeled weak?  What if the circumstances she's crying about are completely reasonable issues, like the death of a loved one or the loss of everything they have. If she's meek and ladylike does that make her a weakling? What if meek, ladylike behavior is a a defense mechanism? What if she uses it as a shield to hide something she couldn't want anyone else to know. Does motivation matter?

Notably, in The Mysteries of Udolpho the heroine, Emily St. Aubert, is constantly feinting--often a conveinient times--and women who read the story regularly complain that she's a weakling because she's constantly losing it. But consider the following scenario and tell me if you wouldn't be afraid, too...

You're 17 years old. Both of your parents are dead, so you're shipped off to live with your aunt who actually hates you. She hates you so much that she literally steals your wedding day to marry a creep who drags the both of you away to an abandoned, dilapidated castle in the middle of no where. You're constantly tormented. The new uncle, who is now holding your sick aunt hostage and refusing her medical care, promises to protect you from rape and torture, but only if you'll give him all of your worldly belongings. Oh, top that with his attempts to marry you to a broke stalker, while refusing to allow you to see your boyfriend. But he doesn't exactly protect you, so you're being chased around by his rapists employees. The whole time falling on dark passages and what seems to be dead bodies stashed away.

You would be scared, too. If she cried, or fainted, maybe she had good reason. Maybe she was a scared teenager and was reacting the way any scared teenager would? Maybe she's more human than readers are willing to accept. But why are we unwilling to accept it? Why can't women in books be closer to human than superhuman? Why do they have to put on a brave face and suffer in silence to be real "feminist" heroes?

Why am I rambling on and on about this?

Well, I've run into this problem. My heroine is a regency era lady. She lived her whole life in the country. She has a secret she wants to keep, she's got some unfortunate issues that make her a less than perfect prospect for the gentlemen of the ton. She's just suffered a loss and is about to lose more and, well, she's sensitive and overwhelmed right now. But, if she cries or feels overwhelmed and loses it, does that make her weak? I'm feeling like she's could be misinterpreted as weak, but I'm also not certain how to fix it. The responses she's having are human and natural. But does it translate to the page or are her responses going to be interpreted as weakness? I don't actually know. For now, I can only keep writing and hope that if she comes across as weak,  I can make some adjustments later.

I just don't know how to make her anything but human. Hopefully that's enough. Food for thought, anyway.

Let's talk about something positive, because that doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Pessimist should be my middle name, but once in a while I have something to be optimistic about.

For example, this week, amidst a seemingly perpetual torrent of bad news,  I've made really good progress on my novel!!

Check out that progress meter, over there, on the sidebar. I'm already at about 11,ooo words. That's pretty good progress, I think, considering I just recently started this project. Though I had been working on it some, I just wasn't making the amazing progress I had hoped I might. So I talked to Melanie about resuming writing group again one day a week. She agreed that she had time and that it was a good idea. So, yesterday, we did just that. After we walked our two miles, we sat down to write together.

Though I only wrote about 1,300 words while we wrote together--admittedly, we got side tracked and spent a good portion of the time chatting--the process of writing, in a new (or at least different) environment was helpful. It got my brain working and running my ideas past Melanie helped me to work out one of the issues I was having with a the resolution of plot points. So, even though our writing session was only marginally fruitful words-wise, it was incredibly helpful ideas-wise.


So, today, with yesterday's progress fresh in my mind, I sat down to write while Matt slept. Whatever was jarred loose yesterday was still rattling around in there because I wrote a little more than 3,600 words today--that's like, oh, I don't know, a little less than 1/3 of my total progress so far... written just today!!

Eh, hem, pardon me for a moment... GO ME!!!

So, I'm sitting here right now and as I write this I'm thinking I should try to get some more words in because Matt's off tomorrow, which means he'll want my undivided attention. Especially since it's his only day off this week (he works six 12 hour shifts this week). But, it's already 8:30 and that means bed for me. I like to be up between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m., which cannot happen unless I go to bed. I need me some sleep. Good sleep + exercise + eating better + writing group = writing success!!

Okay, just one more, because 3,600 words in one day is epic... GO ME!!

Alrighty, I think I can go to bed happy now that I've patted myself on the back. Yeah, time for sleep. Maybe more words while he sleeps in the morning. He may want my attention, but the dude has to get some rest.

Good night!