Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Springtime Blues

Spring is absolutely here in central Texas. The weather is beautiful, if on the cold side some mornings, but it's like the moment it was officially spring the world woke up. It could be that we had some rain this last week, but all the trees are budding and flowering. It's gorgeous, but I'm feeling pretty low lately which, if I'm being honest, is ruining the fun of welcoming spring.

My emotions have been all over the place, but the one thing I'm feeling above all else is completely and totally numb. I'm either bored or tired all the time, my house is a huge mess and I have no drive to clean it up. I'm ambivalent about pretty much everything, except some uncertainty with Matt's job, which is making me a total basket case. I can't remember the last time I felt happy or even content. It doesn't bode well for the rest of the year and that's making me feel a little bit sad because this is supposed to be the best year. This is the year I was accepted as a doctoral student, this is the year that I'm taking risks, and to start out so ambivalent and shaky and sad is giving me anxiety.

It's making me worry about things that haven't happened yet. So, while spring is a season of renewal, all I can do is worry about what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. I want to say that I'm open to making changes in how I see things, that I won't worry about anything anymore, but it's not true. It's not who I am. Worrying is a part of how I function and interact with the world. It means that I never get the chance to make changes and open myself to everything spring represents. I don't think I ever will. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm realistic enough to know that this is something about myself that I can't change.

The one good thing about feeling like this during the spring, when I know I should feel differently--or better--is that it's made me think again about therapy. I'm feeling like I could benefit from it, like that's the way I could take advantage of the whole theme of spring thing, but there are moments when I wonder what I would say. I wonder whether it would be a complete waste of time and my $30 copay. I wonder if they'll tell me I'm just being a brat, that I'm lazy and that my life, however bleak it looks to me, isn't so bad. I also wonder how therapy could possibly work when depressed people often can't see the source of depression, which makes it pretty hard to talk about it. Then again, I'm not trained for that and they are. Maybe I should go.

I hope that wherever you are you're having a better spring than than I am. That it's full of the cheer that spring brings and who knows, maybe next week things will look up and I'll start to feel better. Fingers crossed.