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Have you ever felt like, no matter what else was going on, that life was ganging up on you? Yeah? That's how I've been feeling lately. It's ridiculous because we really do have so much going for us, but like so many other things I don't seem to have any control over, my emotions tend to get the better of me. I mean, how am I supposed to feel like I'm in control of anything when I can't even control my own mind? And now you see the crux of my entire issue with pretty much everything.

In this case, however, most of this stuff is external to me. For instance, I need to go to the doctor. They could get me in at 1:00 pm on May 2, but I can't go that day because Matt has to be at work at 2:30 and my doctor is about 45 minutes outside town. So, I wouldn't be back in time and we only have one car. Turns out, I'm not going to be able to go until May 8th, maybe, assuming his work schedule doesn't change again. In order to go to therapy, you see, I have to get a referral. In order to get a referral, I have to see my doctor, but this means I won't be seeing any kind of therapist for at least another month. Referrals don't happen over night. Awesome. And it's a problem, because my depression and anxiety are acting up really badly lately. I'm also having some issues with food--I feel compelled to eat, all the time, even when I'm not hungry. If I try to ignore it, all I think about is food and eating. It's starting to be really bad. I need to see someone, but again, waiting for a referral.

Then, this last weekend, I woke up to find my monitor dead. Ugh. Dead monitor won't do, so I go get another one, which costs me $145. That's okay, but it also means we now have no money until I get paid on Thursday because I just paid off two of our credit cards. I'll be damned if I'm using either of them to get a new monitor, so there you have it!

Oh, and it's the end of the semester, which means only two more paychecks until I lose may pay for the summer--hence trying to pay down my credit cards. More than that, it means all of the end of the semester work. Grading papers and finals, imputing grades, digital measures (which isn't working for me right now), preference forms for Spring 2015 classes, dealing with make-up assignments, chasing students around to make sure they've uploaded their papers to chalk & wire for semester evaluations, cleaning up my office. Lots to do and almost no time left to do it. That's how it goes, but it's a lot of work.

I'll be glad when summer comes. Even if it's a 1000 degrees and I won't get another paycheck until mid-September (and only half a check then), I'm still grateful for the extra time we have over the summer. Since Matt's not taking classes this summer we'll have even more time together. I'm always happy when we have extra time to spend with one another. He works so hard and so many hours lately, I miss him tremendously. Something that's necessary, and that he's thoroughly enjoying, but that is out of my hands completely.

Maybe my real issues is that I can't stand to be out of control. I want control of everything in my life and when I'm not things start to go down hill for me. Self-diagnosis or self-awareness? Who knows? This is why I need therapy! Also, so I can stop bitching on my blog about my feels. Unless they tell me I should talk about my feels, then I'll have to do it a lot more!! ;)

1 comment

  1. I so empathize with this post Kristyn. Especially in April. April is my worst month and I feel like my life is spinning out of control. To the point where the smallest thing becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back, and I'm losing my mind over that damn straw. I have a friend on twitter who likes to look at and compare trends throughout the various months (not twitter trends, but general trends in human behavior), and he pointed out to me that writing productivity tends to come screeching to a halt in spring. For some reason, this becomes everyone's crazy-busy season. Everything somehow compiles up at this time of the year, and no one is able (or motivated) to get things done. So yeah, you and I aren't alone in this.

    I, too, can not WAIT until summer.

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