Hesitant, Hopeful

Do you think it's possible that I have nothing to say? I'm starting to think so. Every time I open this screen to write a post I get about three sentences in and call it quits. I've tried to write about my 500th blog post (two posts ago, the video of Jensen Ackles, because 500 is too much pressure), I've tried to write about MRAs and the Elliot Rodgers thing, I've even begun post about what we did last weekend... all amounted to nothing. Maybe I'm losing traction on this whole blogging thing. Maybe I have nothing left to say after rambling on and on for, oh, eleven years. Hell, I've been trying to write this particular ranty post for the last three days.

Maybe I should quit?

For now, I'm going to back burner that particular thought because it is, more likely than not, some part of my depression talking. Instead, I'm going to share something personal. Okay? Okay.

I finally made it to therapy. I went two weeks ago for a consult and then had my first session this week on Monday. I'm honestly not sure how this whole thing is supposed to go. So far, it's been a lot of me rambling on about my issues and her listening--it feels completely unorganized, but that may be my perception. She's offered me a few suggestions about how I might worry less (because my anxiety is, if you can believe it, potentially a bigger problem than my depression). I'm going to give her suggestions a try and we're going to try a treatment called timeline therapy, which I'm open and looking forward to, though I'm not 100% sure how it works. I suppose we'll see. I have another appointment in two weeks.

Until then, I seriously need to kick this whole blogger block thing and start writing again. Maybe writing about my life, having a personal blog, is the problem. I'm not terribly interesting, particularly when I'm not working. I literally only leave the house when I have to, which is part my anxiety about leaving the house and part laziness. I have no where to go and nothing to do, and really no one to see. Summer usually just speeds past in a blur of days that're exactly like the ones before them. It's actually a little depressing. I should seriously look for a job, but who hires 35 year olds with masters degrees for summer work? Yeah, I have no idea either.

Honestly, I don't know and it's too late for me to process it. Right now I'm just happy to have gotten through more than two sentences.

PS. I'm considering moving my blog to either Blogger or Wordpress.com, where it's free. I don't know that I blog enough to warrant the $10 per month it costs me. Not to mention the unbearable amount of spam I get. It's ridiculous. So, if you happen by and I'm moving, forgive me. If I decide to go somewhere else, I'll redirect. It just seems like those places are much lower maintenance than this--except that I hate the way pics imbed on Blogger. Uck. Still thinking about it.

For now, good night.