Hesitant, Hopeful

So, I haven't been talking much about it and there's not a word count meter anywhere--because, you know, self-sabotage--but I've been writing regularly for the first time in... well, probably ever. At least since I finished my masters thesis. I'm actually working, at least part time, writing. Which is a dream come true, really, but can also be pretty daunting and exhausting.

I mean, anyone who writes knows one of the first obstacle is always self-doubt, at least it is for me. I worry that my ideas suck, that my plots are transparent, my characters stiff or flat, my writing stilted. I'm my own worst critic. So, trying to do this with regularity is an exercise in getting out of my own way.

But you know what? I am doing it. I'm letting myself write. I'm managing to tell myself to shut the hell up when I have doubts and just write. And it feels so amazing.

It also feels very much like I'm being stung by 1000 bees in the place where my anxiety lives. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but that's the best I can do. Writing regularly is making me feel pretty anxious that, maybe, I'm doing something stupid and wasting time. That I should be working for someone else during those hours when I'm writing.

But, I'm not going to give in to that little voice trying to tell me I suck. I'm not going to let my anxiety consume me on this one thing. It can have everything else, this is mine.

So, since I have been writing regularly, I decided that this year I'm also going to do NaNoWriMo again. And, I'm going to win it. Which I say all the time, but this year stand a reasonable chance to succeed at because writing is starting to become a habit. It's starting to be what I do.

I started something new, as is the tradition for NaNoWriMo--and because what I've been working on feels a bit like bashing my head against a brick wall--and so far it's going well. Today is day three, I didn't work at all on day one, and I'm still at about 7,250 words. That's pretty damn good for three days work.

And best of all, I'm pretty proud of what I'm working on. Which, I'm not going to be able to tell you about. I told Matt (quite against my better judgment) and he launched into a very long explanation about how I could change this, change that, make this and that better. He almost derailed me with his "ideas." Some of which, I might take, others not so much.

Now, I just have to keep on keeping on. Keep on staying out of my way. But, I'm doing it so far. I'm working at a steady pace on a good project. I'm energized and feel like I'm finally in the right place at the right time. Thank the Lord for a supportive man who believes in me more than I believe in myself... even when he does try to derail me with his ideas.

I'm finally doing the one thing I've always wanted to do but didn't have the time, drive, or courage to keep up with. I'm writing!