Hesitant, Hopeful

Let me let you in on a not-so-secret... I am not a very good housekeeper. Or, at least, I haven't been a very good housekeeper in the last few years. My house is a mess, which wouldn't be a big deal except that we're about to move in like... a month and a half.

And, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "it can't be all that bad." Oh no, it's bad. We've lived here for 11 years and we haven't kept up with the clutter very well. Since the house is only a little less than 1,000 sq. ft. there is almost literally stuff everywhere. We're drowning in it.

But, I can't seem to do anything about it because we don't have a truck to haul away all the crap, we don't have any friends who will lend us a truck to haul it all away, and there's so much to do that my anxiety is out of control. I see it and rather than tackling it--which I need to do so that we can actually get it done by the time we move--I just shut down and can't seem to do anything.

To make matters about a million times worse, when I try to clean it up or tackle it, it just makes a bigger mess because I have no means by which to get anything out of here. When I try to resolve the issue about all the stuff, I run into walls at every single turn.

I tried to rent a dumpster, but you have to take a year commitment, you can't rent them by the month. I looked into a roll-off container, but they cost like $1,000 (which is ludicrous) and the park manager seemed sketchy about allowing it on the lawn. Apparently, we can park a house here, but roll-off's are a no-no? I was going to get a Uhaul pick-up for 3 days this weekend, but after making the arrangements they called me and said none of the Uhaul places in town rent out pick-up trucks. So, we're going to have to rent a 10' moving truck instead, which is going to be ridiculous.

The whole mess is pretty frustrating, to say the very least.

Oh, and then there's the issue of packing. With everything being such a mess, I'm really self-conscious about anyone being in my house. I'm pretty ashamed, to be honest. So, I ask Matt to bring home boxes. Instead of doing that, he tells me he's pretty sure the relocation company packs your stuff for you. They do everything. Packing, moving, they'll even take one of our cars and they'll store our stuff for up to two months.

This is about where my anxiety skyrocketed and I just about lost my shit. No, I did lose my shit. I do not want strangers in my house, I don't want them packing my stuff. I can't handle it, at all, so I tell him again (loudly) to bring me some boxes. But now that he has brought them home, I can't bring them inside because there is literally no where to put them. Awesome. So, there're boxes in the trunk and back seat of his car, which I can't do anything about until I get some of this junk out of here.

Again, frustrating.

I just don't handle change very well and this is change. This is huge change. I want to move, more than I can possibly express, but the process of moving is already making me nuts and it hasn't even started yet.

I'm hoping we learn more when the relocation company calls us to talk about plans to move our stuff. After that, we should have a definite idea about what they do. I know they offer a self-move option where they'll get you a Uhaul truck, but I don't think I could convince Matt that's the way to do it. He's pretty set on not having to worry about it, which means I get to do all the worrying. Sadly, he's much more well-equipped to do that worrying than I am.

So, wish me luck. I'm going to need a lot of it to get through this.