Hesitant, Hopeful

With a new home and a new haircut (okay, so maybe not a totally new haircut), I think I need a new outlook. So, I'm rebranding. Meet my new name: Hesitant, Hopeful. I think it speaks to who I am better than does Pretty Pessimist anymore.

So, what does it mean? Exactly what it says. I'm shy, but looking forward to better things. In almost every way I'm exactly that... hesitant, hopeful.

If it grows on me and I don't come up with a better fit, I'll change my URL. For now, it's a baby step. Just my title. (Update: I got a new domain, but my old one redirects here. So it'll still work).

Since I've been Pretty Pessimist for a long time--since September 2009--it's a big deal for me. But, this isn't my first rebranding. My first blog was called "ya don't say..." and then, later, "Retold." But this isn't that sort of change. When I left those blogs, I completely started over with this one. I have no intentions to start over. This blog has chronicled too many milestones to start over now.

Welcome to the new me, which is pretty much just the old me with a new name. (^.~)

It's 12:20 a.m. and I'm awake. Maybe I shouldn't have had that drinking energy drink at 9:00 p.m.? Maybe I shouldn't be binging on Ink Master, season 5. Maybe, maybe, maybe... but I did and I am. So, here I am.

We've been in Utah for about three and a half weeks, so far, and I'm still loving it here. It's remarkably beautiful, everyone is nice--aside from the random scary aggressive driver. But, I can't help think about all of the insanity the first half of this year has been. It's been unbelievable and hectic. It has been the single hardest year of our lives, so far, and that's saying a lot.

January started with an insane amount of travel. Matt went came to Utah, from Texas, for two weeks for a work project. He had an amazing time and learned that he loved it here, and that this was where he wanted to go. Gone two weeks, we were apart and I didn't handle it all that well. He came home for a week and then I was gone, off to California to see my family. We spent one week together during the first five weeks of the year.

We spent most of February and March sick. I had no voice for three weeks and after that I was raspy. It was tough because, well, who likes to be sick? I hate it. At the end of March, Matt came back to Utah to interview for his current job. I was on pins and needles, but I was also so thrilled. One week later, we found out he had the job. Probably the most exciting thing that's happened to us in a long time. We're both so thankful. Matt worked really hard for this.

Did I mention that this entire time, Matt was working on his last semester in grad school? He did an amazing job getting everything done, even though he was crazy busy and very tired. He graduated at the end of May and I could not be more proud. Just in time for our move.

In the months between March and May, we cleaned and packed and prepared for our move. It was hectic in the extreme. I was exhausted. Matt was exhausted. But, we knew it was all for an amazing opportunity, which made every second worth it. Every. Single. Second.

Even the hailstorms... yes, plural. The $9,900 damage to my car and getting it repaired in a hurry. Having to take it back to the auto body shop, two hours away, because the windshield wasn't sealed properly. Only to have it hit by hail again two days before we left for Utah. Covering a car with blankets before a hailstorm will help, it certainly helped save my car. At least it wasn't destroyed completely (I've just gotten it fixed here in Logan this last week).

Our move was crazy and didn't go at all the way it should have. I won't go into that again except to say that it was absolutely, 100% exhausting. Again, every single second was completely worth it. I would do it all again in a heartbeat because we love it here.

Now, I'm looking for work. I put in somewhere around 15 applications. Got a pretty quick call back from a very cool local company and went in to test on Tuesday. They called today to say I passed the tests. I have an interview Friday and I couldn't be more thrilled. I want to go to work for the company, so wish me luck with the interview.

Overall, I think I'm most amazed by the fact that for the first time since I moved to Texas in 1999, something so remarkably awesome is happening for us. It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been quick, but it's happening. We were living in Texas last month. We were in Texas and now were here. We're working toward buying a house and I'm looking for work. It's unbelievable to be living in such an amazingly beautiful place. We could not be more grateful for this opportunity.

Logan Canyon, Cache National Forest

It's raining tonight. I'm in the living room, watching television, listening to the storm and I feel so grateful. I feel overwhelmingly lucky and cripplingly anxious, all at once. I've gone from seeing this whole thing as scary to seeing it as an adventure. I've rocked back and forth between happy contentment and anxiety that wakes me up at night. It's all so much, but when I stop and just take it in during the quiet moments, all I can feel is happiness. Right now, all I feel is happiness.

Tonight's early evening sun from our back patio. So beautiful.

Long winded and written four days ago, but... 

Wow, so much has happened since Matt's graduation! Where do I even begin to begin? Let's just talk about the move, everything else can wait for another time or isn't important. So... the move... yeah... It has been a bit of a fiasco. We laugh and say that if it was perfect it wouldn't be us (the only other choice is to break down into tears).

Last Friday the movers came to pack our things. I had to go to Plano to get my car for the second time (long story), but Matt had taken the day off to be home with them. My day was long and rainy, and I got lost in a scary neighborhood in Fort Worth, and by the time I got home the movers had gone. They didn't pack everything, but most things. Just before I got home Matt learned that the mover wasn't going to be able to move/store our belongings (another long story). This was a problem because it was less than a week before our departure date. Matt was freaking out when I pulled into the drive.

I calmed him down, then scheduled a U-haul and a storage unit. Okay, great, except that we were going to have to spend Memorial Day weekend packing the truck. Saturday morning, when we were supposed to pick up the truck, we changed our mind and hired someone to pack the truck for us on Tuesday. Win, win. They came and did a GREAT job! First crisis averted.

We spent the next two days after that cleaning, throwing things away, and finishing the packing. Moving is a hell of a lot of work. Thank God for Melanie, who came to help me get rid of several truck loads of crap. Only a true friend will help you dump your junk while trudging through almost ankle deep mud. The area between the house and the drive, about 60 feet, is super muddy because of all of the non-stop, torrential rain. So, the move was a muddy one for sure.

The problem with the movers set us back a day, but we finally left on Thursday morning (2 hours later than we had planned). Except instead of going together in one car and sharing the driving, we now had to take our car and a U-haul (which Matt thankfully drove). We had planned to drive straight through, but couldn't with two vehicles, so we stayed in Cortez, CO on Thursday night... after 16.5 hours of driving--or in Matt's case 18.5 hours because Siri rerouted him down the wrong road by almost two hours.

Yesterday we both had a problem getting out of bed. I felt really bad (because I'm getting sick and because I didn't eat much the previous day) and Matt was so tired. After a somewhat late start, though, we got on the road and let me tell you the little bit of Colorado I saw was gorgeous!!! But, honestly, Utah trumps all. It is probably the most beautiful place I've been.

So. Damn. Beautiful.

On the way in we went through Moab, which is where Arches State Park is. It's a pretty huge tourist area, lots of outdoorsy things to do. So beautiful. My favorite thing there, or near there, is Hole in the Rock. We stopped so Matt could have a cigarette and get some gum, but I took a ton of pictures because I loved it so much. Everything down there is so beautiful. I could live among the big red rocks and be happy.


After a long day of driving, we finally arrived in Logan and it could not be more idyllic if it tried. It's so beautiful here and the town is just adorable. I absolutely love it!! We went to the house we're working toward buying. We're going to rent it until our mortgage closes. Our offer has been accepted, but there are some hurdles. If those hurdles don't clear we'll have to find another place. On the up side, we have a rental agreement through July 31, so if it falls through we have time to look for another place.

Unfortunately, though we worked to get them all on the water wasn't on when we got there because the meter is missing from the street.  So, we're in a hotel in Brigham City, about a half an hour outside Logan until Monday. We're hoping to get the water issue resolved by then so that we can move in. If we can't move in then, I'm not sure what we'll do. Our hotel reservation only lasts through Monday.

Today, we left the dogs at the house and the cat locked up at the hotel, and wen't to see Logan. Seeing it in broad daylight, I reiterate what I said before. It is amazing and perfect. I don't want to leave... like, ever. Which is sad and can only make me disappointed because eventually, someday, we're going to have to move again for his job. Most probably somewhere substantially less awesome. Boo! But, for now, we're enjoying living somewhere so pretty.

Or, we will... once it sinks in that we actually LIVE here. Right now, I feel like a tourist. Probably because we're in a hotel. Maybe when Matt's job starts on Monday and the people come to unpack the  U-haul into the storage unit I'll start to feel okay. Maybe. Then again, with as much anxiety as this trip has caused me, it may take longer. I don't know.

What I do know is that we're spending the weekend resting together. After the week we've had, we deserve it!