Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Magical Place Called IDGAF...

I have arrived there, y'all. I have finally gotten to the mythical place where, quite suddenly, I do not give a crap. The place where years of putting in the effort to reach for people who don't reach back has left me truly and throughly done with it. I am done. That's all. I. am. over. it.

What brought upon this realization? Well, tonight on Facebook I came across some posts by this self-righteous ass I happen to know. I don't care for him and I never have, but I'm cordial for the sake of other relationships. In other words, I suppress my distaste for him quite convincingly. But tonight, reading his ridiculous and quite frankly laughable "Im better than everyone else" type crap, I really wanted to punch him in the face. I really, really wanted to punch him in the face.

And then I started to laugh. Which, if you must know, was a little bit crazy because there's no one else here. Unless you count the dogs and Galileo, of course, who were all looking at me like I'd lost it. Little did they know I'd finally found it. 

I finally found it. My self-worth. It was hiding under layers and layers of angst, irritation, and sadness about relationships in my life that're broken. Behind people in my life who do not give a flying fuck about me and, debatably, never have. 

I reached down into the place all those people usually reside in my mind and heart, and I found... nothing but a burnt-out hole. I kind of like not giving a crap. It's making me feel... lighter. Don't want to have a relationship? Don't care enough to invest even a few minutes? Okay, then. 

I feel like this is good for my attempts to find a new, healthier, more hopeful outlook. 

But then, do I mean everyone? Of course not. I have friendships that have gotten stronger over the years. That have weathered some pretty heavy storms and come out the other side healthier.  I have friendships that're more like sisterhoods and there are people who I cherish even when we don't see one another for a long time. There are people I love and value, and hope never to lose. And people by whom I feel loved and valued. 

It's the others, the ones who never really worked that hard to build something lasting, then left me feeling really lonely. It's them. I'm done. Amen.