Thursday, December 27, 2018

An (Accidental) Compliment

A couple of weeks ago, I was preparing to go to an event for my job. I work at home and don't get out much, so going to a work event was making me quite nervous. I was a little bit nervous about the 2+ hour drive, but more than anything I was nervous about coming face-to-face with people who, until now, I had only met mostly over the internet.

My darling man, trying his best to pep talk me, said: "I don't know why you're so nervous, you're smart and charismatic, you'll be fine!"

Wait, what? He thinks I'm charismatic?

This may not really seem like anything. In fact, you'd think him calling me smart would have been more of a compliment than charismatic, but I know I'm smart. Despite many struggles, including a very powerful case of dyslexia, I'm damn smart. But, charismatic? I've never felt charismatic and no one has ever called me charismatic... until now.

I don't think he was trying to compliment me, so much as he was trying to remind me about my virtues. But, I've been thinking about the compliment ever since. My brain just can't seem to let go of it, so I'm obsessing (thank to my anxiety, pretty normal for me). Unable to resist, I asked him about it the other day and he said that yes, he thinks I'm charismatic. I wasn't fishing for another compliment, I promise, I was mostly trying to verify that he really felt that way.

Thing is, I've always felt so awkward and there are moments when I literally have zero idea what to say. None, no idea. And sometimes, I fumble through interactions, then want to crawl under my desk and die of humiliation. Then again, maybe I'm not so much awkward as my anxiety tells me I am. Either way, charismatic is a strong compliment. Matt's the best! ♥


  1. Good job Matt!

    When we were teens I always thought of you as outgoing with a big personality and a natural sense of humor that I always sort of envied. You were never afraid to speak your mind. In fact, come to think of it, I never thought of you as being nervous or insecure around people until you proclaimed you were, several times, on your blog. I wonder if (through no fault of your own) you've allowed some of your disorders to reshape your self-image.

    1. Matt really is the best!

      I'm a little surprised that anyone ever saw me like that, to be honest. I've always felt like an awkward mess, especially when I was a teen. Some of my issues have almost certainly screwed with my head and affected my self-image, but I've always felt this way on the inside. I've gotten pretty good at projecting confidence I don't feel and putting myself out there when I'm a mess of anxiety.

    2. I'd say that projecting confidence is your superpower then, because you sure had me convinced back then.

      I have lots of insecurities too. People don't know I do because I strongly believe in 'fake it 'til you make it.' I pretend I'm all self-assured, and a lot of times I start to believe my own act, and then the confidence comes for real. It makes me wonder if confidence is actually a 'real' thing, or if some people are just better at projecting confidence than others (even though they, too, feel nervous inside).

    3. Your point about confidence not being a real thing, I never thought about that. I definitely fake it, because I have never felt confident a day in my life. I like to think that no one is confident, that there's no people out there who don't have to fake it.

      I have honestly always admired your confidence, Jodi. You always seem to be able to put yourself out there!