Saturday, February 29, 2020

Negative Headspace

I woke up this morning feeling energized. This is either really good or really bad, depending on how you look at it, because it might mean I'm entering manic territory. Over the past few weeks, depression and anxiety have completely taken over. Everything has been hard and too many changes all at one time have made me unable to cope with them. I'm lucky I have the will to climb out of my bed, stuff something in my mouth here and there, and work (because I have no other choice). I'm in a bad place and almost everything in my life has suffered. 

But, staring at the ceiling above the bed, I realized I've been avoiding blogging. It wasn't just that I didn't have the will or the energy to do it, it was more than that. I was actively avoiding it. I mean, can something that's kind of subconscious still be active? Whatever. Either way, I didn't want to bring things down with my negative headspace. Ha.

As I lay there trying to figure out if the energy I feel today is a bad thing, I realized something. The very reason I was avoiding this blog, well, that's what this blog is for, at least a little bit. It's a place for me to write about myself, where I am, and how I'm feeling. I cannot overemphasize how useful it is for me to be able to write here and then go back, through time, and see how and where I was. We all know that memory is notoriously inaccurate, but writing about life events helps. So, right now, I'm going to go ahead and write about how miserable I've been. 

I think the amount of things going on this last few weeks has me all messed up. I hadn't ridden the Peloton in two weeks, until today. I was eating awfully. We went to Salt Lake City for our anniversary, which was so fun. When I went back to work I had a (kind of) surprise interview for a promotion that I didn't get, even though I'm imminently qualified. They said my interview was good, but they're not ready to hire a supervisor who works at home when they have qualified candidates who work in office. Matt had an interview for a promotion the same day. We're still waiting to hear about that one, which is causing me a ton of anxiety.

Then, I had to go to Lindon (about two hours south of Logan) for a work event, which means I had to come face-to-face with people who haven't really seen me in person and, thanks to a seriously negative self-image, that caused me sooooooo much anxiety. And, I had to fight rush hour traffic both ways. They got me a hotel room and a rental car, which made it much easier, but the amount of traffic was so insane. Considering I'm struggling to even leave my house alone lately, going all the way to Lindon alone was a huge struggle. I've also never stayed in a hotel room alone, so that was strangely nerve wracking. By the time I got home from this short trip, I was wrecked

And, while I was there, they asked me to work 2pm-10pm for a couple of weeks, which is screwing with my schedule so hard. I can't cook dinner, because I'm working, so we're still eating like shit. I find when I eat too much crap, I feel like crap. All of this taken together has meant the past two weeks have been kind of brutal and they're taking a strong toll on my mental state. It's been a little bit awful. So awful, in fact, that for the first time in years I've considered talking to a doctor about putting me on something to help mitigate the struggle. I hate to take meds, they make me feel horrible, so that's where I'm at right now. 

Today, though, I'm working on using the energy I have right now to try to get myself back on track. I went out alone this morning to do errands without too much trouble. A little bit of self-talk and I was able to convince myself to go into Wal-Mart alone. Sometimes, it's a matter of talking myself into each step of the process. Like... okay, Kristyn, just go get in the car. Now pull out of the garage and get going. Okay, you're here, now go inside (this is the longest part of the process, sometimes it takes me a half an hour or more to talk myself into going inside). You get the picture. Today, I didn't struggle with this as much. 

I rode the Peloton after doing my errands. Then I took on some chores around the house. My kitchen is a disaster and I need to do laundry, so I'm working on that. I got some boxes and boxed up some clothes that I don't wear and put them in the garage. I'm blogging. I plan to actually cook dinner for the first time in weeks and I'm going to try to do some meal prepping either tonight or tomorrow, so we don't eat so badly during the coming week. I feel like getting my routine back, at least a little bit, will help me overcome this funk. Wish me luck, I need it. 

Sitting in the car in Lindon like a weirdo, trying to talk myself into going inside.

Friday, February 14, 2020

♥ ♥ ♥ 20 Years ♥ ♥ ♥

It's our 20th Anniversary! That seems like a crazy long time. I was only 21 when we got married, so one more year and I'll be married as long as I wasn't. It feels like a huge accomplishment. In a world where a heck of a lot of marriages end in divorce (including my first one), staying together through thick and thin, for 20 years, is amazing. I'm proud of us.

For our anniversary this year, we went to Salt Lake City. It's local to us, but we're home bodies and don't really have the time to travel right now. So no fancy trips to Turks and Caicos, or wherever. But, we had a really good, low-key anniversary. More on that another day.

Today, I thought it would be fun to share 20 things about us on our 20th year. I did this once before, I think for our 14th anniversary. So here goes...

  1. We were only together 8 months when we got married. We had know one another about a year and a half, but we had only been a couple for 8 months.
  2. We met online, through ICQ random chat, back before there were internet dating sites.
  3. We got married at the courthouse in Waco, TX. There aren't any pictures, we just dressed up, got married, and went out to dinner. Then, life resumed as normal. It was perfect. 
  4. In the last 20 years we've lived in three different cities (Waco, Stephenville, & Logan) in two states (Texas & Utah).
  5. Between us, we've earned five degrees -- We both hold master's degrees.
  6. Matt has a job in his degree field (management and leadership), I don't. 
  7. We are blessedly childfree and you would not believe the crazy looks we get when we tell people it's just been us for the last 20 years.
  8. We've always been able to have long, in-depth conversations about everything from the actual to the philosophical. That hasn't changed one bit. Matt is a pretty deep thinker, he loves meaningful conversation but is absolute garbage at small talk. 
  9. Our #1 shared hobby is gaming. We play role playing games (ie. Dungeons & Dragons)
  10. Our #1 shared collectible is dice. We're sitting somewhere around 400 sets each
  11. We're vegan! In December 2019 we went Vegan, almost two months now and going strong!!
  12. We're both introverts and home-bodies. 
  13. We bought our first house in 2015. Before that, we had always rented. 
  14. We've had four pets: Chummer (1999-2005), Galileo (2004-2019), Anakin (2005-) and Chewbacca (2011-)
  15. We're huge Star Wars fans. So much so that our house is decorated in a Star Wars theme, which is subtle and not as tacky as it sounds. 
  16. Fun fact: When we got together, I hadn't really seen Star Wars. My ex loved it, so I rejected it to spite him. When Matt convinced me to watch it, I was hooked. 
  17. We've had six cars in the last 20 years: Ford Taurus (Matt's car when we got together), a fully loaded Crown Victoria (Matt's granddads car), Pontiac Sunfire (we bought this car outright with the insurance money from totaling the Crown Vic), 2014 Hyundai Veloster, 2016 Jeep Renegade, and 2019 Hyundai Veloster N.
  18. We have totally incompatible ideas about aging--Matt is in total denial about how old he is, while I'm completely comfortable with getting older. 
  19. We both write, but don't share what we've written.
  20. I would be completely and totally lost without him and he feels the same way about me. 
There are a lot more things I could put here, but I just thought I'd share the first 20 things that came to mind. It's been a remarkable 20 years, we've accomplished so much, and still love one another as much a we did in the beginning. Not a lot of couples can say so much. I cannot wait to see what the next 20 years holds. Happy Anniversary, gorgeous! ♥

Saturday, February 1, 2020

Self Care

I had an epiphany a thoughtful realization a little bit ago. I gathered up the will to ride the Peloton after I had a pretty rough day at work today. I wanted to sit on my ass and watch rom-coms, but instead did some dishes and jumped on the bike. After a 15 minute class, during which I listened to a tiny little woman tell me how easy it was while I huffed and struggled, I settled in to do a "Zen in 10" meditation. 

The meditation is a Peloton program. I've taken to doing them after my rides, as a sort of way to center and bring myself back down. I was doing this meditation when I had the realization. You always hear people talking about "self care" and doing something for yourself, taking time to yourself. While I thought I knew what that meant, I literally had no idea. No idea. Zero clue.

I've always had this idea that self care meant lounging in a bubble bath with a pint of ice cream, a cup of tea, and reading a romance novel. Or, that it meant scarfing down a box of cupcakes while drinking a bottle of wine and binging on Netflix. But, I never was able to connect with these modes of self-care, even though I tried. Don't get me wrong, I love a good romance novel, but those things never felt like self care to me. Or, not self-improving self care, anyway.

Then, while trying to enjoy my meditation with my dog barking (not a euphemism) and my legs burning, I realized that despite my earlier assumptions, self care did not mean easy. It didn't mean making no effort. Sometimes, self care is painful and difficult. Sometimes it's pushing just a little bit beyond your limits or trying just a little bit harder. It means doing something that's good for you, even if you're tired, unmotivated, or unfocused. It means riding the Peloton and putting in the best effort even when you don't want to. It means trying to focus on the meditation even when you mind keeps wandering. It means ignoring the craving for Krispy Kreme not because of calories, but instead because they're not vegan and you're doing your damn best.

Today was my first day of conscious self care. I finally understand what it means. And you know what, I'm on my fifth straight week riding the Peloton and my second full month as a vegan, and I'm doing my damn best.