Saturday, February 29, 2020

Negative Headspace

I woke up this morning feeling energized. This is either really good or really bad, depending on how you look at it, because it might mean I'm entering manic territory. Over the past few weeks, depression and anxiety have completely taken over. Everything has been hard and too many changes all at one time have made me unable to cope with them. I'm lucky I have the will to climb out of my bed, stuff something in my mouth here and there, and work (because I have no other choice). I'm in a bad place and almost everything in my life has suffered. 

But, staring at the ceiling above the bed, I realized I've been avoiding blogging. It wasn't just that I didn't have the will or the energy to do it, it was more than that. I was actively avoiding it. I mean, can something that's kind of subconscious still be active? Whatever. Either way, I didn't want to bring things down with my negative headspace. Ha.

As I lay there trying to figure out if the energy I feel today is a bad thing, I realized something. The very reason I was avoiding this blog, well, that's what this blog is for, at least a little bit. It's a place for me to write about myself, where I am, and how I'm feeling. I cannot overemphasize how useful it is for me to be able to write here and then go back, through time, and see how and where I was. We all know that memory is notoriously inaccurate, but writing about life events helps. So, right now, I'm going to go ahead and write about how miserable I've been. 

I think the amount of things going on this last few weeks has me all messed up. I hadn't ridden the Peloton in two weeks, until today. I was eating awfully. We went to Salt Lake City for our anniversary, which was so fun. When I went back to work I had a (kind of) surprise interview for a promotion that I didn't get, even though I'm imminently qualified. They said my interview was good, but they're not ready to hire a supervisor who works at home when they have qualified candidates who work in office. Matt had an interview for a promotion the same day. We're still waiting to hear about that one, which is causing me a ton of anxiety.

Then, I had to go to Lindon (about two hours south of Logan) for a work event, which means I had to come face-to-face with people who haven't really seen me in person and, thanks to a seriously negative self-image, that caused me sooooooo much anxiety. And, I had to fight rush hour traffic both ways. They got me a hotel room and a rental car, which made it much easier, but the amount of traffic was so insane. Considering I'm struggling to even leave my house alone lately, going all the way to Lindon alone was a huge struggle. I've also never stayed in a hotel room alone, so that was strangely nerve wracking. By the time I got home from this short trip, I was wrecked

And, while I was there, they asked me to work 2pm-10pm for a couple of weeks, which is screwing with my schedule so hard. I can't cook dinner, because I'm working, so we're still eating like shit. I find when I eat too much crap, I feel like crap. All of this taken together has meant the past two weeks have been kind of brutal and they're taking a strong toll on my mental state. It's been a little bit awful. So awful, in fact, that for the first time in years I've considered talking to a doctor about putting me on something to help mitigate the struggle. I hate to take meds, they make me feel horrible, so that's where I'm at right now. 

Today, though, I'm working on using the energy I have right now to try to get myself back on track. I went out alone this morning to do errands without too much trouble. A little bit of self-talk and I was able to convince myself to go into Wal-Mart alone. Sometimes, it's a matter of talking myself into each step of the process. Like... okay, Kristyn, just go get in the car. Now pull out of the garage and get going. Okay, you're here, now go inside (this is the longest part of the process, sometimes it takes me a half an hour or more to talk myself into going inside). You get the picture. Today, I didn't struggle with this as much. 

I rode the Peloton after doing my errands. Then I took on some chores around the house. My kitchen is a disaster and I need to do laundry, so I'm working on that. I got some boxes and boxed up some clothes that I don't wear and put them in the garage. I'm blogging. I plan to actually cook dinner for the first time in weeks and I'm going to try to do some meal prepping either tonight or tomorrow, so we don't eat so badly during the coming week. I feel like getting my routine back, at least a little bit, will help me overcome this funk. Wish me luck, I need it. 

Sitting in the car in Lindon like a weirdo, trying to talk myself into going inside.

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