Tuesday, March 3, 2020

About Feeling Nothing

Have you ever seen someone from your past, years later, and felt absolutely nothing? Let me back up, this requires a little bit of explanation to make sense.

Many years ago, before I met my husband, there was a man in my life I thought I might be in love with. I've written about this guy before and I could honestly write so much more. He was older and he was married, but at the time I was just naive enough to believe I might actually be in love with him. So much so that, at the time, I told the only person in my life who knew about my relationship with him and she laughed. She knew it was ridiculous, but she also knew me well enough to know that I was completely serious. 

Let me say right now, this is good old fashioned stupid. Like, what's worst than stupid? This was plain foolish. Is there something worse than foolish... because that's what this was. Idiotic, it was idiotic.

But, I still felt certain then that if he had left his wife and wanted me to be with him, I would have. That, of course, didn't happen. Thank fuck. Honestly, considering the circumstances of our relationship, that would have been a world of awful. So instead, we had a full on "thing" for more than a year, but that's all it was. He eventually moved away because his wife's job moved them and I was so distracted by my "real life" at the time that I let it pass without much more than a few moments of regret. That alone should have been enough to tell me I wasn't in love with him. 

After that my life went to straight to shit, then got better when I met a man I actually did fall in love with. And this is going to be harsh, but there was some other stuff in there that doesn't so much matter to this story. Life went on, I got married again, and I almost completely forgot about the older guy, except for a fleeting thought here and there. He was a thing that had happened. Something I've never regretted, because the experience had made me grow in ways I would have trouble putting into words. I shared experiences with him that were completely indescribable, but that affected me deeply.

Then, a couple of months ago, this older guy and I started following one another on social media. He's still married to the same woman and living again in the city where we met. It looks like he has a couple more kids now. I kind of expected that seeing him, especially given that I thought I was in love with him, would make me feel... something. Nope.

Well wait, okay, maybe not "nope." Just not what I thought I might feel. Mostly, I'm just feel glad to see him doing well. That's all, general good wishes. I have a sense that we used to have a physical relationship and that I once thought I had feelings for him, but it feels so distant now. Like he's a guy I knew in another life. He doesn't even look so much the same anymore, which stands to reason because he's now in his mid-50s, but still good looking.

Maybe it's having found and spent the last 21 years with a man I truly do love that's caused this lack of reaction, or maybe it's that I've grown up. Either way, it's interesting to see him and, if nothing else, has given me a moment's pause and something to over-analyze.