Monday, December 6, 2021

I Bought a Damn Walker

I literally just ordered a walker on Amazon. I'm 43 years old and I've never felt older than I do right now. This whole ordeal with my foot has been trying, but ordering a walker seems to be the thing that's really pushing my boundaries. I didn't feel too bad when I got crutches, or when I ordered the knee scooter, but buying the walker is kind of emotionally painful. 

I mean, of course, I feel completely awful about falling down the stairs and breaking my leg in two places (bimallolear fracture). I feel completely ridiculous about needing a pretty major surgery after having a random klutzy moment. I've been up and down, I've felt completely helpless, I've been angry and depressed. I've been upset about needing so much help, not being about to do much around the house or cook meals. I've been antsy about getting back on my feet. I've been feeling grateful and loved to have a husband who has been so amazing through the whole ordeal. But, ordering a walker has made me feel like an complete invalid.

Do I know, intellectually, that that's ridiculous? Of course! Walkers aren't just for elderly people, they're for anyone with any sort of mobility issues. That's me. I also know that I'm not that old. But, ordering a damn walker has made me feel pretty terrible. Which, in itself, is kind of... well, terrible. Because ordering a walker means that I'm making progress, that I'm closer to being back on my feet even though I'll need help. And, while I have crutches, have y'all tried to use crutches? They are pretty fucking terrible. 

So, my shiny new walker will be here middle of next week. About a half-week after I'll actually need it. But, if what I've been reading is any indication, I'm going to need it for a while. Heck, even my doctor says that I'm not going to even be 80% for 3-4 months. So, if I can start to walk again after a month and a half (God willing) then that adds up to a bit of time learning to walk on my right leg again. Which, frankly, is going to suck. I'm sort of terrified about that part. I mean, laying in bed is easy, even if it's boring. And, even though I'm eager to be back on my feet, I'm scared too. 

Even though tomorrow is officially my 6 week post-op, my appointment isn't until Friday (12/10). They'll take x-rays, see if I'm ready, and will probably be moved to partial weight bearing. I am so eager and nervous about this appointment because I'm ready to walk again, but I'm scared about how that's going to go. I want to start driving again, but I know I have a few months before that'll be possible. I'm honestly just sick of being unable to move on my own. I want to be independent again, even if that means using a walker for a while.