Sunday, January 23, 2022

Lost and Disinterested

There's an old adage that blogging and journaling are cheaper than therapy. Lord knows that's the truth, but I've learned from my experiences with therapy that writing can also be a part of the process. So, I'm sitting here at midnight thinking about where I am right now and feeling the pull to write it down. Maybe seeing it in black and white will help me work it out. I am trying so hard to feel grateful this year, to be more optimistic, but I'm running into some roadblocks. 

Before breaking my leg in October 2021, I spent a lot of time feeling like I was under water. While there've been ups and downs, the downs have been powerful. Losing Chewbacca, my job, and then Anakin within five months really tore me down and I've felt, since then, like I can't get traction. Nothing seems to be going completely right, except that I did get a part-time, contract job that I really enjoy. Everything else has been an uphill struggle. Then, I fell down the stairs and made the struggle exponentially harder.

It's been a challenge to my mental health, even on the Fluoxetine, to have had surgery and been unable to do anything for myself for almost two months. But, I healed and did so pretty damn well. In most ways, it's been a pretty textbook process. Hell, I was fully weight bearing again just 6 days after I was released to partially weight bear. I thought, once I could walk again, my life would go back to normal, but it hasn't. This is where I'm really at right now, struggling to feel anything even close to normal.

I can't seem to find interest, let alone joy, in any of the things I've always enjoyed. I don't particularly feel like diamond painting most of the time, I struggle to connect with gaming, I'm can't seem to figure out how to get my house back to normal. No matter how much I clean, it doesn't seem to be getting cleaned up and it's so frustrating that I've begun only doing the bare minimum to keep it relatively picked up. So, on top of feeling lost, I feel disgusted with myself for not being able to actually get done the things I need to do. And, I'm sleeping either too much or too little, and having all sorts of weird dreams.

So now, when Matt leaves for work, I lay in the bed and watch TV, rather than reading, cleaning, or diamond painting. I can't seem to find motivation to do anything. I want to go out and walk again, but I don't think I can walk far before I run out of steam and start to be in pain, so I'm avoiding going to do it at all for fear that I'll drive over there and get started, only to have to turn around and come back before I get it done. And, not getting it done might actually make me feel worse and less motivated. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm trying to make some changes to my schedule and find the motivation again, but I don't know how to get my energy and drive back. I'm trying, though, and I think that's what matters. Might be that I need to break the cycle of hiding out from my anxiety in my bed, which has somehow become my safe zone after spending so much time there while I was healing. Maybe finding a good sleep schedule and routine would help me find some normalcy. Again, I don't know, but as I said before I'm trying and I'm taking the fact that I even want to try as a good sign. As a sign that I'll eventually find my way back from the murk. One day at a time.